After my ectopic I felt void of emotion. I was overwhelmed, confused and anxious, but mainly numb – it was extremely hard to process. I felt very empty and didn’t actually feel like I was present while it was going on, to me it was “you’re pregnant” and then almost instantly being taken off for surgery, waking up and then being told that I’m no longer pregnant.
I found this so difficult as I didn’t feel like I had any right to grieve. I didn’t know if this was somehow my fault, I was in utter shock that something so life threatening was happening to me.
The aftermath was hard. Firstly, I found it very difficult to speak about with other people and I was finding it hard to process and understand myself, so I didn’t talk with others. Secondly, physically and mentally the after math was very draining.
However, the recovery allowed me so much time to feel and really start to process what I’d been through.
I wanted to understand why this happened to me more than anything because I really didn’t know a lot about ectopic pregnancy and I didn’t know anyone who had experienced one before. I did lots of research and was so interested in reading other people’s stories, I felt great comfort and relief in knowing that what I went through was as traumatic, scary and life-threatening as it seemed. I underestimated how much it affected me so knowing that so many other families have too faced this tragic tragic loss gave me a sense of comfort.
I’m so grateful for the charity and all the brave families who have spoken out about their experiences before me because It helped me to speak about my own ectopic to my family and friends. I then decided to face my biggest fear in the world-a skydive for my angel baby! It was the most powerful thing I think I’ve ever done! It was me facing my worst fear, but also finally accepting my loss and feeling a huge sense of relief.
I’m no longer worried or scared to speak about my loss, in fact I’m so open about it now because I’ve fully accepted it and processed what happened. I did an amazing thing for my baby and now I have a beautiful memory.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about what could of been but honestly the first steps are accepting it, understanding it, and allowing yourself time to process then heal.
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