Tara's Letter

09 Oct 2021 | By Kerri

Dear me

This letter is to give you permission to rest.

A few weeks ago you thought you miscarried. You started bleeding heavily only a few hours after seeing those 2 little lines on the test. You grieved for the lost chance but carried on. You went to work and told yourself “maybe next month”.

A few days later, you took another test, you don’t even know why you took it, but it came up even clearer than before. You were confused and visited the early pregnancy clinic. The nurse told you your pregnancy was in an ‘unknown location’, possibly ectopic, and sent you away to rest. While going in to hospital for blood tests every other day, you didn’t stop. You worked all day, you went out in the evening and continued your life as if nothing was happening. You told yourself you couldn’t take time off work as physically you felt fine.

It soon became clear this was not a viable pregnancy, but you were advised to wait and see what happened. The best case scenario was that your body would do what was needed and naturally miscarry. This was a terrifying prospect as you were sent away with a long list of things to look out for. But still you continued life like everything was normal, while feeling torn apart inside.

 

After spending the night in hospital after being admitted for pain in your shoulder and your scan showing internal bleeding, you were told to prepare for an operation. You lay awake all night, terrified of the thought of having a general anaesthetic.

Sometime in the morning, a consultant came in and explained that your HCG levels were going down. Your body had miscarried which meant you could go home. This was apparently good news. You were strictly advised to rest, but even then you contemplated going back to work because once again, physically you felt ok.

So this letter is to tell you that you’re allowed to rest and grieve for your baby. Yes give yourself time to heal physically, but also recognise how you are feeling mentally. Recognise the trauma you’ve just been through and acknowledge the anxiety from the last few weeks.

Little do you know that you will conceive your rainbow baby in just 3 months time! After such a very long wait. And you’ll need all your strength for them. Work can wait. Take the time you need to recover, reflect and process what’s just happened. Talk about it. Reach out for help.

All my love and compassion
Your future self

 

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