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If you find yourself here, thanks for stopping by and reading this post and I'd just like to say that I am sorry for your loss. I'm here because I just needed to write something down. I've been feeling quite numb recently. I discovered a week ago that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I have had 3 losses each year from 2019. All of my loses are different and unique but the ectopic has been the most sobering. I am 42, soon to be 43. I have no living children. I have only now started to think that there is a possibility that I may not have children. After my previous losses I felt completely broken but I still had hope. After this ectopic pregnancy I feel as though I am truly facing reality. It's devastating to even think about this but it is a reality. It doesn't mean I won't ttc in the near future and it doesn't mean I can't have children in future. It's just that a new factor has been added to the journey and it's the possibility of childlessness. This is something I only thought about in the context of me not meeting a life partner. I met my partner, we love each other and we're a great team so having children with him was something I just expected to happen. Now I have no expectation. If we are not able to have children of our own I know that we'll get through it, I know that I'd find some strength within me to carry on, I know that I'll find a new goal or focus in life. I suppose what I feel I'm tapping into now is the sadness of loss and the sobering experience of an ectopic pregnancy that causes so much pain and sorrow.
You're words mean a lot to me. Reality is a bit pill to swallow sometimes. Acceptance can be hard to accept too. Thanks for letting me know about your friends- it does make me think that perhaps it is possible. Although, at the moment I'm still feeling sad that time is passing me by.
If things change, I promise to update you here.