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Scared of trying again

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laurenishopeful
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 11:48 pm

Scared of trying again

Post by laurenishopeful »

I had an ectoptic pregnancy just over two years ago. I knew i was pregnant but no signs or any discomfort until my ectopic ruptured. Im 32 now.

I was at work and suddenly felt faint and dizzy. It still scares me how quick it went. Thankfully there was an onsight medic at my work who canalised me which i think is how i managed to survive. I bleed internally 4 litres, was resuscitated and was in intensive care for a short time after. My recoverery was quite slow as couldn't walk for some time after. I did suffer post traumatic stress which led into frightening panic attacks. Counselling was offered but i didn't take it up as i just wanted my normal life back and i felt it was admitting weakness. I couldnt leave the house to go to the shops because i thought, if i almost died and i didn't have any signs then how did i know i was safe doing anything.

I've recovered from the anxiety now. It is only still present if I'm in a car, plane or i am around wasps and bumblebees (which my family find quite amusing).

My partner has been amazing. He couldn't have been anymore supportive. The ordeal he went through in the hospital still haunts him as my body wouldn't stabilise so they had to keep me unconscious in intensive care. I feel guilty for that.

We both would love to start a family but i'm frightened.

I still two years on have pain and feel bruised in my tummy area. If i was poked for example it is so painful it would bring me to tears it hurts that much. Being careful i can carry on with normal life though.

I'm scared:
1. That it might happen again
2. I could put my family though all the stress again
3. That there still might be a problem with my fertility area and i could try to get pregnant and it go wrong

I have been to the doctors and hospital regarding the continual discomfort and although I'm on a 4 month waiting list for a referral for an internal scan i don't have much faith in some doctors/nurses.
This is due to when i knew i was pregnant i went to the doctors, the did a blood test and a urine pregnancy test which showed positive. I then had a scan and i was to told no baby was in the womb yet, i was sent away being told my dates where wrong and i had come to early. That could have been the obvious time to reffere me as i was clearly ectopic.

If anyone has any advice of this discomfort or has had a similar story as mine i would love to hear from you.
I feel i have over talked this with my friends and family i don't want to get them down with discussing it anymore. Lauren xxxx

Keeponhoping
Posts: 170
Joined: Fri May 13, 2016 9:40 am

Re: Scared of trying again

Post by Keeponhoping »

Hi Lauren, I know exactly how you feel, i had a pregnancy of unknown location in April and treated with methotrexate, then I was lucky to fall pregnant again however that ended up being a blighted ovum and had to have that surgically removed! Then several infections on top of that! Honestly I'm done with TTC for the time being and I'm done with 2016, it has been a horrible year, cannot cope with anymore this year! Although I'm 32 also and time won't be on my side forever so need to keep that in mind! As for some reason, just a gut feeling, i feel conceiving for the 3rd time might take some time now, think I've had my luck with catching quickly twice.

Lauren, your experience sounds so awful and no wonder you have suffered from anxiety attacks, glad to hear you're finally healing! Think I rushed becoming pregnant again after my first loss, time to give myself a break. I have recently been suffering from abdominal pain and lower back pain went for swabs at my gp surgery to be told I had bacterial vaginosis, whether this has some part to play in me losing babies all the time, I will find out tomorrow as got a follow up appointment, just finished a course of metronidazole, so I'm praying they've cleared it up!

Hope you're doing ok and we're all here for you! X x

angiesmcs
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 8:57 pm

Re: Scared of trying again

Post by angiesmcs »

Hi Lauren
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this way and can totally relate to how to are feeling...as will a lot of women posting on this forum. I have tried for years to have a baby with no success, I was told a few years ago that my right tube was partially blocked and my left tube fully blocked.

In January 2015 I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic even though I knew there was a chance of ectopic. I think I was in denial because the bleeding and pain started more or less straight away but I still convinced myself it would be ok. The pain got worse and on the 1st February I went to the women's clinic and was scanned straight away and given the devastating news that the pregnancy was in my tube. I was taken for emergency surgery and had my right tube removed. I then think I lived the next 12 months in fear, like you I was terrified of going out alone in case it happened again and suffered terrible anxiety. I also get horrendous ovulation pain which is worse than the ectopic pain. I slowly began to feel like me again and went on the list for ivf.

In September I was on day 10 of ivf meds and had to do a pregnancy test before starting injections...It was positive! I was in total shock! The ivf clinic said the meds would not have harmed the baby so I was happy we didn't have to do ivf. This time felt so different, no pain, no bleeding and strong pregnancy symptoms...even the doctor said it was a miracle! I did end up in hospital with a corpus liteum cyst but told they could see the start of my pregnancy on the scan and nothing to worry about. I was having my hcg monitor and was booked for another scan. Then I got the call to say my hcg wasn't doubling and they suspected another ectopic...my fears were confirmed at the next scan. This time it had actually made it threw my tube and was in the corner of my uterus but was unable to survive because it was in such a dangerous place. I was nil by mouth for 28hrs because the surgeons couldn't decide on the best solution. I was told 2 surgeons would be operating because it was so risky and I was at risk of major uncontrollable bleeding, it was an interstitial ectopic and I may lose my womb. Luckily everything went well and they managed to remove 70% of the pregnancy and I passed the rest. I am now going back to ivf in January.

I'm not promising you won't have another but I was always a high risk and your chance is small. I have surprised myself in how I have dealt with it this time. I'm 6 weeks post surgery and I feel good, obviously still sad at another loss and that I'm now totally infertile without medical intervention but I got through it. Please don't be scared or let the past ruin your future.

Ang x

EPT Host 22
Posts: 659
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:26 am

Re: Scared of trying again

Post by EPT Host 22 »

Hi Lauren,

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. An ectopic pregnancy is a devastating and frightening ordeal, and I completely understand your anxiety regarding trying again. Your pains are also a constant reminder of the horrible experience you have been through, and can be difficult to come to terms with what has happened. You can think positively even when the discomfort is still very much present.

Please try not to feel guilty. An ectopic pregnancy is an experience that has effects on all members of the family, and I'm sorry for the difficult time your partner has been through. Many others know of emotional impact of ectopic pregnancies and that it can be ongoing. You may want to speak to your Drs for referral and a look into Counselling or to contact your local Mind centres. We can also arrange for you to speak to someone on our helpline at the number below. Many find it of comfort to speak to someone who has been through same thing and we can support alongside the Counselling. http://www.ectopic.org.uk/patients/emotional-impact/

To your questions:

1. That it might happen again

It’s important for you to remember that there was nothing you did to cause nor nothing that could have prevented an ectopic pregnancy. Many women experience a mix of feelings and this can include grief, hurt at loss and anger. Trying not to blame yourself is important, as it is no fault of yours, and nothing sadly, could have been done from stopping the ectopic pregnancy from happening.

Often the precise reason for an ectopic pregnancy may never be known. Sadly there is nothing that can be done to guarantee that it will never happen again and it isn't because of something you did or didn't do. The chance of a subsequent ectopic pregnancy after a first is around 10 per cent and the chance does increase with each subsequent ectopic. Looking at this another way, there is a 90 per cent chance of the embryo being in the right place. I hope this can offer a degree of comfort.

2. I could put my family though all the stress again

Importantly, help is available with future pregnancies with an early scan at around six weeks gestation. This is to check that the embryo is in the right place and we suggest contacting your local EPU direct to book this in when you next become pregnant.

3. That there still might be a problem with my fertility area and i could try to get pregnant and it go wrong

Sadly, nothing can guarantee fertility. Of course, it is normal to be scared after the ordeal which you've been through. But there is chance it can go right. If the journey is not as smooth as we would like then medical help is available and the Trust can be there for emotional support, too. These are big decisions to be made and many of us feel frightened, but we can keep talking to let those emotions and thoughts out. By speaking to professionals, as well as with us here the Trust, you are not alone and we will all be by your side.

We here for as long as needed. There is never a time frame for us and we will help however we can.
These boards are a safe space and we are here for you as long as you need.

With good wishes,



Michele

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Celine
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2016 9:34 am

Re: Scared of trying again

Post by Celine »

My darling :( yes, I have a very similar story. I just can't believe that this is still happening all the time. I was telling everyone that would listen my pregnancy was ectopic for a week and they all ignored me. After what was essentially a 'miscarriage' I ended up in A&E where I again told them it was ectopic. Again, they ignored me. A few hours later I collapsed and nearly died.

I have posted earlier this evening about PTSD and your story really rings true with me. My husband is the same (why on earth did they tell him while I was in the operation that I might die and all that? If I make it through, why did he need to go through it? And if I die, he's going to find out anyway. Doctors are a complete mystery to me) and he is very traumatised. In our case, we had only just got married and I was only 6 weeks in so we hadn't told anyone, so he spent the night calling my family who he doesn't know very well yet, announcing the pregnancy, and telling them I might not make it to the morning all in the same call. Yes, he is very traumatised.

Anyway, what you are describing sounds like PTSD for me. I cannot believe that medical professionals are not picking it up because it's so bloody obvious. It is shocking how sexist our society is. We are just seen as hysterical and sad. But what you are feeling is a totally normal reaction. And I wanted to say, please consider going to your GP and asking them about counselling for PTSD. As (like so many of us) you are hoping to have a child again, that is a very 'triggering' event and I can see how your anxiety would overtake you when you think about it. But hopefully (and statistically :) ) you will be pregnant again and you will be giving birth. So you have a right to some help with how you feel about this. Take yourself seriously and seek the answers you need, it's not 'OK' to feel like this and you have the right to get on with your life and look forward to being a mum one day :)

Oh and by the way, I am suing the NHS and it is making me feel much better. I am so so furious that this happened to me and I am even more furious that it is still happening, time and time again. I am furious. I don't think anything will change until we start sticking up for ourselves. I am so sorry about how you were treated. I know how you feel about doctors, that is one of the things that makes it hard to get help, because I don't trust them at all. If they had listened to me we could have avoided this. They had the audacity to tell me I was 'lucky'. What a joke. No thanks to them. I hate how little respect they give women. The NHS guidelines are that if an ectopic pregnancy is suspected, the woman should be scanned within 24 hours. I don't think they will start treating us properly until they are forced to. I am so sorry that it happened to you. As if it's not bad enough to lose your child, you have to deal with all this too. Thank heavens for your husband :) and please, have hope. I do think things can get better and you can start to look forward to the future again.

laurenishopeful
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 11:48 pm

Re: Scared of trying again

Post by laurenishopeful »

Thank you so much for my replies to my post. I feel a great sense of comfort from all of your messages and your kind words and support.

Its taken me a while to read the replies because I try to put all my emotions in a box regarding this, and put it in the back of my mind. Then when I'm feeling strong i open it up.

I really am overwhelmed by the support from here and i'm going to take all this advice on board. I don't feel alone dealing with this even from my handful of replies.

Thank you. Each of you really i thank you xxx

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