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Single, 19 years old, Ectopic pregnancy no support

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gemma28
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2017 6:28 pm

Single, 19 years old, Ectopic pregnancy no support

Post by gemma28 »

I lost my baby on the 4th of October 2016. I was 19 years old and single. The doctors sent me home twice before being admitted into hospital as they told me to treat it as a 'normal pregnancy' despite the fact i was in absolute agony (crying from the pain and codeine made no impact) and I had been bleeding for two weeks. The doctor even said to me she 'assumes I want to get the termination process kickstarted' due to the fact I had taken a morning after pill. She is so wrong, when I found out I was pregnant I wanted my baby so bad, all I did for those two days I knew was search and search on ways I could carry on university with a child. I was so excited to have my baby, I loved her from the moment I was told. Eventually the pain got so bad I went back to hospital and refused to leave so they admitted me, that night my tube ruptured and the next day i had to have emergency surgery to remove it, they found 400ml of blood in by abdomen. That night before my operation I honestly thought I was going to die, I have never been so scared in my life, I had only told my one housemate, none of my family even knew I was in, they still don't know what I've been through. Now its been 3 months and I still can't stop thinking about my baby, I'm devastated she's gone but also I don't know how to feel because I only knew she even existed for 2 days before she died. I'm embarrassed to talk about it because I feel people won't understand and they'll dismiss me as being a young stupid girl just like the dr's did. but this feeling won't go away, I am mourning my baby, I think of her constantly, all the things she would grow up to be, how our life would be together. Every time I see a young mum with her baby I think of how that could be me and it destroys me. All I want to do is cry and hold her but I can't because she never was. I go past the hospital where it happened on my way to University and i choke inside just seeing it, next tuesday I have to go back for my post op check up and I'm so scared. I wish someone could be with me, to support me and know what I'm going through, I'm on my own and my heart is broken.

EPT Host 22
Posts: 659
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:26 am

Re: Single, 19 years old, Ectopic pregnancy no support

Post by EPT Host 22 »

Hi Gemma28,

I’m so heartbroken to hear that you’ve suffered an ectopic pregnancy and loss, especially that you are handling all of this on your own. These boards are a safe space for you and filled with women with similar experiences. We are here for you - your questions, concerns, or to vent - for as long as you need.

Firstly, it is incredibly important to look after yourself in these early days. Three months is still very new and emotions can be very raw. It is natural to feel longing for your own child when you see other babies and difficult to deal with the emotions that it stirs up. I feel awful that you felt dismissed by Dr’s comments, and want you to know that you have no reason to feel embarrassed. An ectopic pregnancy is not something which we can control, nor is something that you caused. While it may not often be discussed in public, as you see on these Boards, women do experience and recover from.

We have information on our website on emotional recovery and counseling services, which you might find useful. As well, If you think it may help, we can certainly arrange to speak to you about what you have been through and be a shoulder to lean on. My colleagues and I have also experienced ectopic pregnancy and understand how heartbreaking it is. You can ask any questions or simply tell us about the horrible time you have been through.

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis (you pay what you can afford) or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too:
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

You can also speak to your GP specifically about local counseling services and referral for talking therapies. You can also request to see another GP in your healthcare practice. In terms of your care circumstances, you may be aware that you can raise your thoughts via the Patient Advice and Liaison Service or PALS. You can find your local PALS here and it may be an avenue which can help:
http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Patien ... Search/363

Please do focus on looking after yourself and know we are here for you.

With good wishes,
Michele

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Celine
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2016 9:34 am

Re: Single, 19 years old, Ectopic pregnancy no support

Post by Celine »

Hey! I am so sorry. None of this is your fault. The way women are treated by the NHS is disgusting and a major part of why I can't 'get over' this the way everyone expects me to. I had a very similar experience, I was going to doctors for a week telling them my pregnancy was ectopic and begging them to scan me. Despite displaying all the symptoms, the doctors preferred to see this as some kind of mental issue and dismissed me repeatedly, eventually telling me my own mental state would hurt my baby. When eventually and after an emergency admission to A&E with what was clearly a miscarriage which still failed to dislodge the foetus and where they again told me to just go home and ignore the bleeding and pain, my fallopian tube burst and someone finally listened to me, they told me I was 'lucky' that they got to me in time. The various hurtful comments that the doctors made are harder to get over than my baby dying, which was bad luck which happens to people sometimes. But those little snidy comments are so damaging, every time I try to sleep I think about that stupid man telling me I was lucky or that horrible GP telling me I was going to hurt my baby because I was so mental.

When people know your baby has died, they write you off as mental. I am angry that women are being ignored. I am angry that one of my ovaries is gone now. I am angry that it is still happening to other women. I am so sorry that you have been through it too.

It seems likely now that I am suffering PTSD, and some of the things you mention, like the flashbacks and constant reliving, well they ring a bell with me. I still can't go into the area of town where the hospital is, which is that is the only hospital, is a problem. Please, take your feelings seriously. I know exactly how the doctors patronise you and make you look mental. Don't listen to them. You are not mental, they are incompetent. You are right that people won't understand, that has been my experience, but that doesn't mean you can't talk to them. I have not been able to access any help, despite trying and trying, and am now too scared to leave my house and basically can't talk any more to anyone. I am practically mute. Please, my sister, take yourself seriously, this doesn't have to happen. Your feelings are acceptable. The fact that other people don't understand is their failing, not yours. I know from experience that saying things like 'try to get counselling from your GP' is pointless, as in my case, they won't refer me either, preferring to try to bully me into taking anti depressants. This charity also advises women that they can have counselling through charities like mind or relate. My experience here is that you can't, unless you can afford to pay, which I can't, and as a student, I guess you might not be able to either.

But I do think counselling would help, it's just battling and battling to get it and being constantly insulted and denied that does you no good. If you can, or if anyone can help you (and I mean ANYONE, don't be too proud to accept help, that auntie you never liked, if she offers to help, take it), I think private counselling would help a great deal. Its hard anyway to talk to NHS people after the way they have treated you in the past. There is no trust there now. So my piece of advice would be, try and try to get access to private counselling. Sessions cost around £40 an hour where I live. I think if I had been able to access counselling with someone who understands PTSD it would have helped a lot.

I note you're a university student. When I was at uni, they actually had a good support network. Do you have a tutor you can speak to about this? They may be able to help you access counselling and support through the uni.

Please, do take yourself seriously. You are not a silly girl. I know how they try to put you in that role, but that is not you. The NHS is trying to save costs by not treating people, especially women. That is not your fault. Don't put your faith in the NHS. Don't waste time and mental health battling them. Go to a tutor, a friend, a relative, a colleague, the minister of your local church, anyone who has your back, and tell them you need help. The other thing you find out when you go through something like this is that actually, other women are going through it too. It's just (like me) they have learned not to talk about it. But there are people out there who can help. They just don't work for the NHS.

Good luck. Im sorry your daughter died, so sorry. I'm so sorry that every time I log onto this forum another woman has a story about how she nearly died because NHS professionals have no respect for women, especially pregnant ones. Put yourself first, and ask people to help you if you can. Think about the PTSD thing, there is information online, if you feel that is relevant it can be helpful when trying to talk to people to put a 'label' on how you're feeling. Good luck. You are young and one day you will be looking back on this. You will get through it, there will be other good times. You'll be sad forever but you know that already. But things can get better.

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