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Please help me

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Nikig28
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jan 13, 2017 4:43 am

Please help me

Post by Nikig28 »

I was pregnant 8 weeks when we found out we were expecting. One week later I bled very heavily, doctor said it was misscarriage on the phone and that night I had a large clot in my underwear, I looked online at photos to out my mind at rest and it looked the same as a sac and cord. I was distraught. We spent a few days getting our head round it. When to doctors for tests and he said I was still pregnant, he referred me to early pregnancy unit and I found I was ectopic. So turns out I was having twins, miscarried one and a week later I found I had to give away my other baby to save my life. My left tube was taken and also a part of my womb was too. I'll struggle to have more children.
The emotional pain is getting worse. I couldn't walk properly for about a week after my op. Due to the severe pain and physical side of recovery, it's like I didn't have time for myself to emotional get over it, I'm getting up at night and going to sit down stairs to cry. My Fiance asked me to hold back my tears and be brave about it. But all I want to do it cry in arms until it feels better. I told him this and he said I'm making him feel bad as he thinks this is how we need to move on. I'm in bits, feel so alone, he's an amazing guy but I don't understand why he won't help me grieve. I'm finding myself staring at walls and zoning out of the world altogether and having secret crys like real belly crys that hurt, my heart is breaking with pain. I feel I should bring it up now as the time has passed. I feel empty, I'm almost jealous other women get to hold their still borns. I wanted to have a feeling of holding them to remind me or some item of clothing that I could just hold when I'm feeling down. But there's nothing, just emptiness. No graves or Ashes. I light candles on the coffee table to have a moment to think but feel silly explaining what I'm doing on my own, I want my fiance to sit with me but I darent bring them up anymore :cry: can someone just please help me and give me some comforting words, anyone felt like I do? Am I being silly trying to hold onto babies I never met as there's other couples worse off than me?

Amelie
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 8:56 pm

Re: Please help me

Post by Amelie »

Hello,
Thanks for sharing and taking the courage to write this. I have been (and still am) having the same feelings as you (although it does get better with time). I just posted a song that captures a little of the feelings I have... very similar to what you express (music helps me... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mgfqe5n4r8 ). I also have a very attentive and nice partner but he does not see it the way I do. He was just happy I came out of the emergency surgery alive mostly and, even if he was a little sad for the baby, he told me it did not feel real for him just yet at the 9 weeks mark so he did not need to grieve per se. So even though he understands the situation, he cannot relate to my feelings, in particular over a year later now... It is a very though time for a couple and such a lonely time for us. Stay strong and enjoy all the beauty of life.

EPT Host 20
Posts: 3155
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm

Re: Please help me

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear Nikig28,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and losses. To lose one baby is hard, to lose two is heartbreaking and my heart truly goes out to you.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment reduction in fertility concerns about the future and the loss of our babies, dealing with anyone of these is an ordeal putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.

It is still very early days since your losses and you need to allow time to grieve. I too would take myself off and have a good cry. 7 years on and I still get very emotional around the anniversary of my loss.

I found that although well meaning my friends and family, including my partner didn't truly understand how I felt, the loss I felt. I too reached out to the Trust for help and it was comforting to know my feelings were normal and shared by others.

After a frightening ordeal like ectopic pregnancy, some women find that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and symptoms can include anxiety and not being able to focus on everyday things like work. There are a number of avenues that you could look into to get the help that you need.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. I'm afraid that as we are a small charity, we do not currently have the resources for regular face to face support groups as much as I wish we were able to offer this. We do operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to contact us, the details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask me any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.

In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling.

We have information on our website about finding counselling services,

The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

Above all, be kind to yourself and allow time to heal both physically and emotionally.

Sending much love,
Karen x

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Further information is available at http://www.ectopic.org.uk
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Little_red85
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2017 7:13 pm

Re: Please help me

Post by Little_red85 »

Hi, I'm so sorry for your losses. I just joined this site and your post is the first I've read. I feel that our stories are very similar, I miscarried early December and was told at a follow up appointment that I was still pregnant and that I'd lost a twin. When I went for my scan they told me I had an ectopic pregnancy and I was sent for emergency surgery. I lost my right tube. I was told that it only decreases fertility 10% but I have polysystic ovarian syndrome and I was told a few years ago that my left ovary was in pretty bad shape. I had a miscarriage in 2015 and it would have been my baby's first birthday last week. I thought I was coping ok but the last week has been awful. I don't have a partner to hold me when I cry (which is all the time) I feel like I have no one to turn to. I have never felt this alone. I found that talking on sites like this helped me through my first miscarriage. I've also made a memorial fairy garden in a pot in my living room. At the hospital I was given a Simba box that has tiny knitted hat & blanket and other bits and pieces in it including a tiny certificate to write baby's name on. I find it comforting to have a memory box. With my first miscarriage I had a baby book that I turned into a journal of feelings and letters to my baby. I still write in it now sometimes. You shouldn't feel bad for trying to hold on to your babies, you should do whatever you feel is right. Simba is a charity that provide miscarriage support. The memory box has really helped me maybe it would help you too. I hope things get easier for you soon, I'm here if you need to talk x

Kimmy2701
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2017 11:12 pm

Re: Please help me

Post by Kimmy2701 »

I am so sorry to hear of your loss!

I understand your feelings of wanting to have something to hold as a memory. I was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy at 12+4 weeks and had to have my right tube removed on 18 Jan. My husband and I decided to name our little jelly bean, I hated not being able to refer to them as a he or a she as it made it seem as though they were not real. We decided to name her Summer Rose and we are both having a piece of jewellery made in her memory, myself a necklace and my husband a ring. Something we can both keep close to us. Maybe that's something you may also find a comfort? There are loads of places that make memorial jewellery and other items. We both spent a lot of time looking to find the items we wanted and each piece is hand made and individual which I think is really lovely and will bring me comfort.

I too am struggling to cope at the moment and on Monday I was signed off for a further 2 weeks. My husband and family have been really supportive which is really great but I just can't face seeing anyone I know outside of that at the moment. It was my birthday last week and people have been wanting to come see me but I just can't bear the thought of seeing them right now.

Hopefully things will start to get easier for us soon but in the mean time, cry when you need to, don't be afraid to let out those emotions! It's an important step in the recovery and healing process. Some days will be really hard and other days will be much easier but there is no pattern and we have to focus on each day as it comes. Take your time!

My thoughts are with you xxx

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