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So Confused

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gypsyrn
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2017 1:36 pm

So Confused

Post by gypsyrn »

Hey everyone. This will be my first form to write. I am hopeful that someone will have words that will help.

I should start off by saying that I am a 27 y/o married travel nurse. My husband stays at home while I work (we see eachother a full week out of the month during my assignments.) Anyway, I traveled 1800 miles away from home on 1/9 and started my new job at a new hospital. On 1/12 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. My husband and I had not been "trying" but we were excited, scared, nervous, overwhelmed (or at least I was.. my husband was just excited!).

On 1/13 I started cramping. Around 5pm that night, I started bleeding. It was light at first, but I was still concerned. I work in labor and delivery, so I called one of the physicians and was told to watch it. I called my ob from home and he told me I needed HCG and US. Got those done on 1/14. The US was inconclusive other than there was nothing in my uterus. By my dates, I should have been 6w at this time. They checked my ovaries (with vaginal US) and saw no fluid so my diagnosis was "threatened miscarriage". HCG was 123.

I continued to bleed increasingly and began to expel clots. It hurt more on my left side as if I were ovulating. Words cannot describe how alone and heartbroken I was every time I went to the bathroom. I was literally so utterly alone.. Of course, I'd call my sweet, supportive husband, but nonetheless, I struggled with guilt. Guilt about telling the girl at the checkout counter that it was "a whatever kind of thing" when she asked if my pregnancy test was a "good or bad thing". But it wasn't a "whatever thing". I had just taken SO many tests before that were negative, and I didn't want to get my hopes up this time around either.

On 1/16 I went back for HCG level. It was 131. My OB from home immediately suggested I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that I needed to be treated right away. I called the OB here, and was scheduled for another US. Vaginal US showed blood in my uterus, no gestational sac, and a 1.5cm ectopic to my left. I felt so unsure when he asked questions about my pain on my sides... because actually, on this day, I was experiencing more pain to my right, but my left was still uncomfortable. (You know how when you go to the eye doctor and he says "is this better...or is this?" and he flips back and forth..? That is kind of how I felt..) He performed a vaginal exam as well and asked if I had more pain when he pressed on my left or right side.. It felt more uncomfy on my left.

Anyway, so ectopic pregnancy it was for me, and the treatment was methotrexate. After asking questions, I walked into the room to receive my shots. I broke down in tears. For me, this was closure, this meant that it was over, but it broke my heart so bad.

I am 3 days post methotrexate, and the guilt is hurting my heart so badly. My husband and I literally only had 1 DAY of thinking we would be parents before this nightmare began. I have been through more this past week emotionally than I ever have before. I have felt every single emotion.. Guilt is the biggest. I was doing research on the medicine I received and I noticed someone had tagged "abortion medicine" with it. I can't help but feel like I ended the life of my baby, and my heart is so saddened by it.

If you've read this far, thank you.. Has anyone ever experienced this feeling of shame and guilt? How is it overcome? How can I put facts to this and feel as though I did not end a "non-viable pregnancy" and my baby's life? My heart and head hurt so much.. I hope this all made sense..

EPT Host 20
Posts: 3155
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm

Re: So Confused

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear gypsryn,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.

When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and believe me, your emotions are completely normal.

Personally, I completely understand how you feel about guilt. I too felt very guilty following my ectopic pregnancy and treatment (I too had methotraxate). I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - you are not to blame.
Sadly when an ectopic pregnancy is diagnosed, the pregnancy has started in a place where it cannot progress as the baby will not have the space to grow. As it does grow outside of the womb, it can cause complications such as rupture which are life threatening for the mother and therefore treatment is required.
You did not have abortion medicine. You had methotraxate injection, emergency treatment for ectopic pregnancy.

Although friends and family were well-meaning and supportive, they didn't truly understand how I felt. I found using this site and reading others accounts were the only way I understood what had happened and it also helped me understand that my feelings were normal and somehow I didn't feel so alone.
I also went to my GP and got referred for counselling, where I learnt that although I will never forget what happened or my baby, I crucially I understood that it wasn't my fault.

There is no time frame for how long it takes for us to heal emotionally (7years on and I still get extremely upset on anniversary dates). Please take time, allow space to grieve, to heal.
We will be here for you for as long as you need,

Sending you gentle hugs,
Karen x

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