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I'm 33, I have a 1.5year old and I'm engaged.
We had been trying for a second child when I fell pregnant. I didnt know I was pregnant until I was 8weeks as I had what I thought was a period on 2 occasions. One of those occasions I was in terrible pain, heavy bleeding and bad dizziness.
Found out we were pregnant on the friday, started spotting again on the tuesday evening and I knew something was wrong as I had bleeding previous during this pregnancy. Following advice from the hospital (whom I rang on the Tues evening) they asked me in on the Wednesday at 10am. Due to covid my partner couldn't come in with me, he was to wait outside. By 2pm I was wheeled down to theatre following a large ectopic being found. End result being my left tube removed and partial ovary. I was 8weeks 5days.
Due to the severity of it, and the feeling of being alone in dealing with it all I decided I wanted to bring the wedding closer, so that if anything happened again both of us would be more secure. The wedding I thought would distract my feelings and give me something positive to focus on.
But now I cant even bring myself to face the joy of what a wedding will bring, nor the planning/idea stage. I also feel like my partner doesnt understand or feel the loss like I have. In his words "that's the reason you dont tell anyone until 12 weeks incase something like this happens" that line just infuriates me. I now find myself silently crying and not letting on to him how I really feel because how can he ever understand.
Feel loved yet lonely at the same time and I dont know what to do to get out of it.
2weeks post surgery x
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I to just had surgery for a ectopic pregnancy which was nearly two weeks ago and lost my left tube. Like you I am still struggling with my emotions from the whole experience which was very lonely due to husband not being allowed in the hospital. Have you got friends or family you can speak to? I do think it’s hard for men to understand as they haven’t physically been through it and the pain is so hard to describe to others unless they have been through it themselves. Here if you need to talk
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.
You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body's signals and pain and feeling tired are your body's signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.
I completely understand you wanting to distract yourself after such an ordeal. A wedding is a huge undertaking at the best of times so don't beat yourself up for struggling with the emotions and physically arranging everything after all you have been through. Do you have friends and family who would be able to help you to talk to or even with planning?
Although well meaning, my friends and family didn't truly understand how I felt after my ectopic pregnancy and often said 'I should be over it by now'.
My husband too, has since said he didn't understand the whole feeling of loosing a baby as it was so early in the pregnancy. I don't blame him for feeling this way as I understand at such an early stage they can be quite disconnected. I think that makes it difficult for them to truly understand how the loss of our babies impacts us.
Many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Like you, I reached out to the Trust for support and we will be here for you to lean on for as long as you need. I found comfort in reading others posts, it made me feel less alone I how I was feeling.
If you can, talk to your family about how you are feeling, if you feel you can go on with the wedding, ask for help. If it is too much right now, please tell those around you. It's about being kind to yourself and allowing time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally.
We will be here for you for as long as you need,
Sending much love and warm hugs,
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
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