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First of all I'd like to say sorry for how long winded this post will be, there is no way to windle it down because my story is just that long.
Im 28 years young and I am 2 weeks post op from my second (yes, second) ectopic pregnancy.
I sit here at 28 years old with no fallopian tubes and 0% chance of ever conceiving naturally again.
My heart is shattered.
My first ectopic was in September 2017, it was very frightening, I'd never had surgery before but due to how high my hormone levels were and the fact id collapsed, they rushed me to surgery, found that my tube had ruptured and I'd suffered extensive internal bleeding, so much so that my oxygen levels during the op dropped to critical - I was in a bad way... I lost my right tube and I can't ever say I got over it.
Looking back now I know i suffered PTSD, everytime my boyfriend and I would sleep together, I'd take a pregnancy test, even though we were protected.. I'd be in constant fear of being pregnant and dying.
This went on for the full 3 years until 4 weeks ago when I was on holiday in corfu with my friends that I told him I was ready to be a mum.. Little did we know that in fact we were already pregnant. Now, I'll point out that I had no symptoms, the only reason I took a pregnancy test was because I was late. (there is a huge story behind this to do with my smear tests and ivf that I'm not even going into)
Hey ho, we were pregnant.. I didn't know how to feel but I was petrified.. Knowing I would have an early scan due to my previous ectopic calmed me down a little.. I worked out that I was roughly 5.5 weeks but the hospital still wanted me to wait a week which was torture. I started bleeding, not heavily, very pink and full of discharge and I even went to the hospital to be checked out for my own mental state really, the doctor looked at my cervix, told me it was closed, I wasn't in any pain, everything is looking good I'm over the moon.
Then two days later I get woken up by the most horrific stomach pain and loss of blood which instantly entered my mind as a miscarriage (if only) the hospital got me in that day, confirmed it wasn't in my womb, they couldnt see a heart beat in my tube but could see something but couldn't be sure, plus the fact now that I've passed a huge black clot BUT because of my previous history they weren't going to let me go, so I was admitted.
Tuesday morning I was admitted and I was beside myself but physically I wasn't unwell, they took blood every day to check my levels and we're reluctant to operate when they weren't sure I needed it..
On Thursday I went down to concourse to call my mum and before I know it, completely out of the blue I've collapsed, in front of everyone. The doctors had seen enough and decided to operate.
I have to point out here that I was begging for the surgery, I needed to know what was going on and I was asking them to remove my tube regardless, I can't go through this again.
Down in surgery they discovered that I'd miscarried my ectopic (kind of) I'd miscarried the majority but there was some left in my tube.. My pelvis was full of blood, as was my tube so they admitted surgery was the right thing to do.
Going back to my other story that I'm not getting into because I'd write a book, it means though that since September 2017 I've had 4 surgeries, so I wasn't worried, I knew what was coming and if I'm honest I quite enjoy the anesthetic induced nap (does that make me a sociopath?)
However, this time I'd had a huge reaction to it and my god was I poorly.
4 hours after my op when I'm back on the ward I am crying my heart out because of the pain in my stomach, they had to knock me out with morphine.. The next day I couldn't keep my eyes open, the doctors wondered if they'd missed something so there was talks of sending me back to surgery but after taking blood and doing other tests that I have no memory of as I was unconscious, they decided it was just a reaction to anesthetic.
I was in hospital for 6 days over all. I've been home for 9 days and trying to come to terms with what happened.
The worst part is, I have to go back to the hospital in a few weeks as my cervix is knackered - surely that's enough for me now???
Im broken, I'm grieving for my beautiful babies, I'm grieving for the future what it should have held and what It won't ever hold now. Even though it's what I wanted for my tube to be removed, it's still a huge deal.
Im coping better than I thought, I do have random out bursts of tears over putting my dressing down on inside out but I won't let this defeat me.
This moment in time, I don't feel like I could put myself through IVF, I don't feel mentally strong enough to go through it but that may change.
Im sorry my story is so long and I know it's probably difficult to read.
No one and I mean no one deserves to go through this twice but I take huge comfort knowing that wherever they are, my beautiful precious babies will have eachother forever xx
My heart feels so heavy for you and all you are going through. It is incredibly unfair to suffer one ectopic pregnancy and loss, and you have been through two. I can relate in having gone through two myself. They are both physical and emotional traumas, and they can take their toll.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it is hard to relive the experiences. These boards are filled with women and men who have been through ectopic pregnancies and we are here to support you. There is no right answer or set pathway when it comes to our recovery. The most important thing is to make the time and space to look after yourself and to allow yourself to heal and recover.
It is very normal to need more time to consider options regarding conception and IVF. Please know that these decisions take time to make and there is no rush. The most important thing is support for your physical and emotional health. We operate a helpline service, and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely, and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too if you prefer that route.
Also, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help, and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling. We have information on our website about finding counselling services. The charity Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/
No matter what, we are here for you whenever you need. Please know you are not alone and take all the time you need to look after yourself and recover. We are here for you whenever you want to talk.
With good wishes,
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
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I am really very sorry for what you have been through but I am very grateful to you for sharing your story here.
Exactly a week ago today I went in to the early pregnancy clinic for a scan as I had an upset tummy and twinges on the right side after having a positive pregnancy test on Saturday. It was confirmed that my baby was ectopic on the right side. This is my second ectopic pregnancy this year.
Like you, I have now had both my Fallopian tubes removed through emergency surgery.
I didn’t want to frighten other people in this forum by talking about it, after all the chances of this happening are slim compared to the chance of having a healthy baby, and that is what makes this so unbelievably unfair.
I don’t know if it’s helpful for you to know that you are not the only one but it might be helpful to know that it seems my feelings are very similar to yours.
I know IVF is perhaps an option, but I just can’t imagine having the strength to recover yet let alone to put myself through IVF. I also feel like I have to justify myself to people. I am already being asked if I am back at work yet which I personally find mind blowing- I haven’t really got out of my pyjamas yet. I know this sounds bizarre but actually I’d like to go back to hospital and be taken care of and so that people don’t expect me to be better already.
I hope that you are having some brighter moments in your days and know that i am thinking of you.
Take care xx