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Stressful weeks

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Kat112
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Nov 13, 2020 12:22 am

Stressful weeks

Post by Kat112 »

I am 20 years old and a 3rd year in medical school.
14th sept last period
29th sept, I had sex the condom broke.
25th Morning after pill
29th failed IUD fitting (2and time I have had a failed coil fitting)
8th October positive pregnancy tests
Phone gp freaking out, had loads of negative tests as well. Had some weird discharge. Ask gp about ectopic risk. Gp says my symptons dont match but they will get bloods anyway.
9th and 11th bloods done gp reassures blood are normal. Tells me to go home and discuss my options with my mum.
24th spotting starts with some cramping ignore it.
Continue exercising as normal. My bloods were normal dont want to cry wolf.
At some point this week decide on a termination as I cant raise this child alone. I couldn't even finish the year, I would be removed from placements due to covid. I accept that I will grieve and that I am not the person I thought I was.
It breaks my heart to make the decision but couldn't see another option. My family wouldnt allow adoption and I couldn't get excited over the pregnancy or want it. Even if I loved it. Having a child cause I dont want an abortion isnt invalid reason. I has 6 sessions of counselling to reach this decision.
Sunday play a full game. Monday go to training.
Come home and feel really unwell. Nauseous sick the bleeding is heavy now. Changing night pad every few hours but didnt want to go into a and e, as to many students I know on shift there. So I take pain killers and try to sleep. I dont sleep and phone the gp. The reception makes me explain what's going on. So I can get an appointment. Gp tells me he will call epu and ask if they wanna see me. They tell him my bloods weren't normal. I get seen that day.
Ectopic pregnancy confirmed.
Expectant management decided. Given some pain relief and I choose to go home.
In pain over night again, dont sleep.
Phone in the morning I go canullated given fluids and pain relief. Scan confirms free fluid in abdomen but not enough to worry about. Fluid brought bp up.
Sent home again.
One more sleepless night then the next day I feel better week but better.
Over the next few weeks I have blood tests untill confirmed hcg negative.
It's awful to say but I grieve my baby even though I wasnt brave enough to keep my baby. I feel guilty like it's my fault, I have none of the risk factors. And I feel guilty because I feel relieved. I feel bad because I have always wanted to be a mum but not yet. And now every future pregnancy there is a risk. Every future partner I will have to tell about this. I dont want to take away from your grief when most of you longed for that child. Some days I think I am fine and some nights I dont sleep.
I dont know why I am writing this. Guess I thought somehow it might help.

EPT Host 22
Posts: 659
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:26 am

Re: Stressful weeks

Post by EPT Host 22 »

Dear Kat112,

My heart goes out to you reading all you have gone through in suffering this ectopic pregnancy and loss. You are not alone in the confusion of emotions and thoughts. The trauma of an ectopic pregnancy is both physical and emotional, and it takes time to sort through each of these. There is no set timeline for recovery and every woman will experience it in her own way. The most important thing right now is to look after yourself and give youself space for this healing.

It's important that you know that there was nothing you did to cause an ectopic pregnancy, nor sadly, anything we can do to prevent it. It did not happen because you made a decision to terminate. It did not happen because you did not will it hard enough. It may be an experience that you share with a future partner, but it is not a disease that you need to disclose to every partner. This is so very important for you to know. As you were expectantly managed, you retain your tubes and future conception is possible.

Journalling and talking are both valuable therapies for processing this experience. You may want to continue the counselling sessions to process the emotions and thoughts you are still experiencing. These boards too, are filled with men and women who are unfortunately bound by this experience. They are safe spaces to share your thoughts, concerns, and just to vent. We are here for as long as you need.

Please be gentle with yourself and know that in time the pain will lessen.

Sending you warm wishes,


Michele

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
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