Hello!
This is my first post, although I feel like I’ve got loads to say/ask but can’t quite bring myself to get it all out just yet. What I’m about to say is absolutely not meant to cause offence or hurt and by no means take away any personal experience or create a rank of who/what is worse, it’s just I feel as my title suggest a bit misplaced in the world of baby loss.
I first found out I was pregnant with my first child on Wednesday 28th October. I had the best week of being in that excited bubble with just my husband. That was until Thursday 5th November where I started bleeding heavily in the morning. and in the afternoon started to get the most horrendous pain low down on the left side of my abdomen. Numerous trips to A&E, midwife outpatients, countless blood tests and scans later... it was an ectopic pregnancy.
I’ve been up and down, sad and happy (feeling guilty for laughing or smiling at times but then today it’s really hit me. Watching ITV news, listening to Dr Sarah Jarvis talk about Meghan Markle’s recent article about the miscarriage she suffered in July. The statistics of women who suffer miscarriage, how she said that the moment a woman finds out she’s pregnant, it’s not a foetus or a sac, it’s a baby and you can’t help but think what it should have been and what you’ve lost, which is exactly how I feel. Also how many women wait until the first trimester is over, just in case, so as not to announce it too early and potentially burden people with bad news if it was to go wrong even though we shouldn’t hide it. But the main point I have and the reason for feeling so misplaced is because you never hear “ectopic”. For me, before trying for a baby, I’ve always feared the word “miscarriage”, I’ve had numerous friends who have suffered miscarriage, although I’d never experienced it, I was aware. As soon as I was told my baby was ectopic, that I hadn’t really lost the baby, it just in fact never made it to the right place, I had no idea what it was. Then I was bombarded with information, leaflets, doctors advice etc. and I was suddenly sent into shock to find not only have I lost my baby, but that my health was at risk too. All this mention of rupturing tubes and internal bleeding. I was thrown into the total unknown.
I know it probably sounds awful and I’m not asking for special treatment or arguing against which one is worse, but all I ever hear is miscarriage, never ever ectopic. I know it’s less common and maybe there’s not many public stories of ectopic pregnancies to make it on to the likes of ITV but I really feel like I don’t have a place in all of this. It really feels like you either have a miscarriage and people understand the loss of your baby or you have a smooth and successful pregnancy and birth and are blessed with your child.
I told one close friend that I’d had an ectopic pregnancy and about 2 days later we spoke again and she actually used the word miscarriage. Not her fault, as I didn’t know much about it before it happened to me, but it made me feel so empty. Like not only did I have to explain and educate her, I was almost justifying what had happened.
I feel like I’ve rambled and complained in this post and part of me just wants to delete it but I’m just going to submit anyway and get it off my chest.
Apologies. X
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Feeling a bit misplaced...
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EPT Host 20
- Posts: 3166
- Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm
Re: Feeling a bit misplaced...
Dear mrsrobbo20,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
You are genuinely among friends who understand exactly how you feel here. I could have written this post 10 years ago when I had my ectopic pregnancy. I also had never heard of ectopic pregnancy before I had mine and it had a great impact on my life.
Miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy both mean that we sadly experience baby loss however with ectopic pregnancy we are also suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility and concerns about the future as well as the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
Although well meaning my friends and family didn't truly understand how I was feeling, and would often expect me to 'get over' it quickly or couldn't understand why I was so upset or worried when I next fell pregnant. I have had people say, "well at least you know you can get pregnant and you can try again soon". I think a lot of the time, unless you have sadly experienced ectopic pregnancy it is hard to truly understand the impact it has. I tried telling a few people about how I was feeling, but honestly, in the early days, I had little strength to keep on explaining myself. I therefore too turned to the Trust. I read other people's posts and this honestly made me feel less alone and certainly helped my emotional recovery.
It is still very early days in your recovery, many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Take each day as it comes and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally
You will need space to process what has happened. These boards are a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, and we are here for you for as long as you need.
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
**************************************************************************
During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
***************************************************************************
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
You are genuinely among friends who understand exactly how you feel here. I could have written this post 10 years ago when I had my ectopic pregnancy. I also had never heard of ectopic pregnancy before I had mine and it had a great impact on my life.
Miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy both mean that we sadly experience baby loss however with ectopic pregnancy we are also suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility and concerns about the future as well as the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
Although well meaning my friends and family didn't truly understand how I was feeling, and would often expect me to 'get over' it quickly or couldn't understand why I was so upset or worried when I next fell pregnant. I have had people say, "well at least you know you can get pregnant and you can try again soon". I think a lot of the time, unless you have sadly experienced ectopic pregnancy it is hard to truly understand the impact it has. I tried telling a few people about how I was feeling, but honestly, in the early days, I had little strength to keep on explaining myself. I therefore too turned to the Trust. I read other people's posts and this honestly made me feel less alone and certainly helped my emotional recovery.
It is still very early days in your recovery, many women experience feelings of isolation after an ectopic pregnancy - I did, too. It is a frightening experience. Take each day as it comes and allow time to grieve, to heal both physically and emotionally
You will need space to process what has happened. These boards are a safe space to share, ask questions, or to vent. They are filled with people who have been through similar experiences and journeys, and we are here for you for as long as you need.
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
**************************************************************************
During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
***************************************************************************
