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This is my first time writing in a forum.
However it is the second time I have experienced Ectopic Pregnancy.
The first time was June 2019. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I had some bleeding...I phoned Early Pregnancy Clinic, they told me to remain calm and to inform them if I soaked through a sanitary towel within an hour. I didn't, but as this was my first pregnancy I was very anxious. So I paid £80 for a private scan. The sonographer couldn't see anything, so referred me to the Hospital.
After numerous scans, they classed this as a Pregnancy of Unknown location. I signed the consent form to have an injection of Methotrexate and was told to return the next day. That evening myself and a couple of friends saw The Spice Girls live in concert. I quietly sobbed all through "Mama" and that evening I bled. A lot. The Dr's confirmed that the growth had passed by itself and I continued to go for regular blood tests to check my HGC had fallen to a safe level.
Roll on to 12 months of heartache, confusion, anger, jealousy, vowing never to put myself through it again, you name it, then the painstaking ordeal of TTC and the sadness it brings each month.
Then in June 2020, after the UK being in lockdown for 3 months, I find myself miraculously pregnant again. Mixed emotions of feeling overjoyed, yet cautious, fearful and panicked.
At around 7 weeks I felt a slight stitch in my right side whilst led in bed. I googled the [heck] out of it (as we do), put it down to my uterus expanding and called EPC at 7am. They decided they wanted to see me. I was scanned and told I was having an interstitial ectopic pregnancy. My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. All those worries that I'd tried to push down inside were bubbling up out of my throat and I couldn't control it. I was kept in overnight and told I would need surgery. I sat there and sobbed alone all night, my partner not being allowed in due to covid19 restrictions at the time.
The next day I met two Consultants. They both scanned me and noticed I have a Bicornuate Shaped Womb (heart shaped). They said it is possible that I will be able to go to 27 weeks and have a Caesarean. But that they would need to assess and rescan in 5 days time.
I was allowed to go home. My head was a mess. Was I finally going to be a mother? Or would I need surgery? Or worse it would rupture, I'd have internal bleeding and have to have a hysterectomy to save my life?
The morning of the scan I was told the foetus had grown, there was a heartbeat there. But that it was what they had predicted the week before, that it was an interstitial ectopic and that I would require surgery.
I had part of my womb removed, some of the surrounding muscle and my left fallopian tube. I was numb emotionally. It didn't feel real. All my questions about the future unanswered. All my dreams snatched away.
I was told to perform a pregnancy test 3 weeks after surgery. When I placed the drops from the pipette onto the test, it immediately showed as Pregnant. I called EPC and they got me in for a scan.
The scan showed some tissue was still left behind from surgery and was growing. To avoid more surgery so was given an injection of Methotrexate.
I have returned every single week since 18th August for a blood test to check HGC levels and they are still too high to discharge me.
I am haunted by the building and the waiting rooms. I have nightmares. I get upset by pregnant women. The sight of a bump brings me to tears. I dread finding out that a friend is pregnant. I am miserable all the time. I have lost all of my confidence. I fear that my partner will leave me. I so desperately want to be a mother, but I worry my body will let me down again. The heartbreak is excruciating. My friends don't understand. I am the only one my friendship group who isn't a mother. And I am the only one who has gone through an ectopic pregnancy. I feel like I have lost my identity. I used to be naive about pregnancy. Now I am clued up on the medical jargon and all the possible eventualities.
I hope anyone who has managed to get this far finds some strength in this by knowing they are not alone. I was too frightened to read the forums. But it makes you realise you're not the only one going through the traumatised ordeals that we have experienced. I wish you all the best. Keep wishing on those stars girls x
My heart breaks for all that you have gone through. It is an experience that we do not wish on anyone. It is very hard to share with those who have not gone through and ectopic pregnancy and loss, and that is why these boards are so important. Unfortunately, we all share in this experience.
I also experienced two ectopic pregnancies and found myself awash in many emotions. I found that journalling helped me to process much of what I was feeling, as well, in time gave me words to share with families and friends. However, it is still years later and I continue to work on my healing and explanation to people of what an ectopic pregnancy entails.
There was nothing you have done to cause ectopic pregnancies, nor anything we can do to prevent them. Right now, it is so important to be gentle with yourself. Even more gentle than you think is required. Your body and spirit have gone through so much.
If you are interested in exploring counselling, we suggest that you ask for a referral by your GP or use a practitioner who has undertaken recognised training and is registered with the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy. It is also a good idea to look for someone who has an interest in the area of women’s health or fertility problems. The charity MIND also can provide counselling with trained practitioners locally at affordable prices. Counselling charges are means-tested (you pay what you can afford) and so you may receive counselling support for a nominal fee or even for free.http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/
Please know we are with you and we are here for you for as long as you need. Sending extra warm hugs and love to you.
With good wishes,
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
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