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After nearly two years of trying for our second, my wife got pregnant. We had begun infertility investigations but everything seemed normal. Unsurprisingly we were overjoyed, especially since other options such as the IUI and IVF aren't available on NHS for second pregnancy. Anyway, my wife had some heavy bleeding and the doctor booked in an appointment at the Early Pregnancy Unit. As my wife wasn't really presenting any of the classic ectopic pregnancy signs, we sort of ruled this option out. However at hospital, the nurses confirmed it was indeed ectopic and would need surgery.
Covid made the entire experience at the hospital very unpleasant. The lack of beds meant that we had to wait six hours in a side room for a bed ruminating over the diagnosis. Even though I couldn't visit, my wife said that as they were using all available beds in the hospital, she kept having to fill the nurses in every time the shifts changed. Nevertheless, I am so grateful that she's back home and safe - albeit in a lot of pain.
The past couple of days have been challenging, and I've been filling my time with doing tasks around the house, helping out as best possible and doing the best by both my son and wife. I actually feel by keeping busy I've avoided properly processing it. What thoughts went through your mind? And what techniques worked for you in coming to terms with things? It's funny - they say reduction in fertility from having one tube removed is about 10-30 percent which seems you quite low. However when I hear there is between 7-10 percent chance of another ectopic, I just worry it will happen again.
I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you've really been through a heck of a journey having looked into ivf and then the excitement of getting pregnant. Thanks you for sharing your story as while unfortunately I'm not sure I'm going to help much as I'm in pretty much the exact same boat as you, maybe you can take some comfort in knowing you're not alone. I know reading your post has helped me feel there's someone out there knows how I'm feeling.
In our case my wife had some pain between 7-10 days ago and went to GP last Wednesday. He didn't think it was anything to worry about but he spoke to early pregnancy team, who also didn't think it was anything to worry about but gave us a scan appointment for last Friday. Tbh we went in more excited than nervous as thought it would be fine and we'd get a lovely early scan photo to being home. But unfortunately they found an ectopic pregnancy in her right fallopian tube and surrounded by blood clots etc. Treated as emergency and operated on with a few hours. The plan had been to remove the fallopian tube but even though it was damaged they didn't remove it as said they couldn't justify doing so the way it was as the pregnancy had ruptured out of it into my wife's abdomen cavity (which seems to be why she was operated on so quickly). The Operation took longer than expected and I was really scared I was going to lose my wife too. Everything went through my mind. The main feeling Friday night about 8pm when I finally got word she was out of theatre was relief she was safe. But an overwhelming feeling of loss is coming over me in the last couple of days. Like you I'm just trying to do the jobs around the house and support her as best as possible but feeling pretty unsuccessful at doing that very well. We have a 5 year old boy and we had been trying for a second for about a year and we were so excited when she did the positive pregnancy test. I had gone into full nesting mode, sorting stuff in the attic, doing jobs around the house etc. Also deciding on names and so forth. In hindsight got carried away too quickly. We were just relieved as had felt we had already left it to long to try for our second but life events had kinda got in the way, something I'm now regretting even more as now we feel our chance has slipped away. My wife's 36 and I'm 42. As well as really wanting a second myself I also don't want my son to be an only child. He's such a kind boy and he'd be a fantastic brother. He talks about wanting a sibling and I just don't know how to move forward at the moment. I know we both need time but I'm a fixer and just want to fix it and find a solution, stupid as that sounds. I know I'd like to try again as to give up feels like accepting defeat but also don't know if my wife will want to and I don't want to risk my wife's health again. Also worried if we do then it won't happen due to decrease in fertility or if it does it'll be another ectopic especially with the damaged fallopian tube left. I guess the reassuring thing is I assume she'd be well monitored from the start. The nhs were fantastic but I feel we've so many questions and didn't get any opportunity to discuss where we go from here. Don't know if there will be that opportunity in the coming months.
Sorry I didn't mean to take over your thread with my woes. But maybe sharing our current experience will help in some way.
Not at all. It’s nice to know that you are not alone, and that other people have an understanding of what you are going through. The nesting instinct thing resonated with me - in my mind, I started listing all the jobs that need to be done, planning my year around it, and seeing becoming a dad for a second time as an opportunity to work on some self-development. I am trying to keep up the positive changes as they will put me in good stead for when the times comes.
It was honestly the worst time of my life waiting from an update from the hospital. My wife is still in pain but it’s good to see have her back again.
I’m also a bit of a fixer and have tried consulting the internet, thinking I can justify it. Ultimately it’s just bad timing and bad luck for the most part.
The statistics are encouraging though. Please send my best wishes to your wife, and wishing you both the best of luck in the coming year!
Thanks for your reply. As you say it does appear go be a case of bad luck and bad timing. Your thoughts about using this time for self development has helped me try to think how I might turn this situation into a positive which is a much better frame of mind to cultivate as easy to get lost down a rabbit hole of worry. As you say despite everything the statistics are still weighed in our favour and that's also worth focusing on. 9 in ten chance of being successful next time sounds much better than saying 1 in 10 chance of being ectopic. We wish your wife a speedy recovery and both of you all the very best of luck too.