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I am sorry for posting on this forum as I know it is only for men. But I know my partner would not post on here.
It was the first time we seriously tried and I fell pregnant right away this month. I couldn't believe how lucky I was but the celebration was cut short when I found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. It was devastating and I am still going through the grief while my body is still healing.
My partner is currently going through a change of career. He is in the middle of a very intensive (boot camp style) coding course which he really struggles with. He also suffers from depression which is currently more or less managed by medication.
Yesterday we had a serious chat as I could tell that the 'brave face' he had tried to put on for my sake was no longer there. He told me that he was really struggling and he didn't know how he could cope with all the pressures of his course, his own self-worth and my grief. He said that if there is any chance of this happening again, he refuses to try to conceive again as he wouldn't be able to live with the thought that he could put my life in danger. I tried to reassure him but it was hard as I struggled to believe it myself.
I know that I need to allow myself time to grieve. But I also realise that I am not the only one suffering and I need to stay strong for him while he tries and stay strong for me.
What should I say or do to support him?
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. I completely understand how overwhelming it can be.
It sounds as though your partner has a lot on his plate at the moment. From reading your post it would seem that he feels pressures from many angles of his life right now which could be contributing to his stress and worries about the future.
It is very common to have concerns about future pregnancies following a loss, however he may be comforted to know that the chance of a further ectopic after the first in the UK is 10%, so that’s 90% chance of the embryo being in the right place next time.
There is no timeframe for how long it takes us to consider trying to conceive again, it’s something that we must take at our own pace. Perhaps for your partner, the thought of having another ectopic pregnancy is too much for him right now with all the additional pressure he’s under with work, this may ease a little as he finishes his course and settles into his new job.
You mention he is taking medication for his depression, has he thought about talking therapies or counselling in addition to this. It is possible that having counselling and an ease in pressures in the future may allow him to get to a space where he can consider trying to conceive once again.
He can speak to his GP about referral to counselling or talking therapies or the charity MIND may be of some assistance. We also have support services here at the charity if he wishes to get in contact I have added the details here.
You are doing the right thing in openly talking to one another, keep the dialogue going and we will be here to support either of you for as long as you need.
Above all, be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve and to heal both physically and emotionally.
Sending much love,