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Coping with shock and loss

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Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jan 05, 2024 1:10 am

Coping with shock and loss

Post by Flomo56 »

Hi everyone,

I’m writing on here to help to start process some of my emotions and seek any advice on how to get through this.

I had absolutely no idea at all that I was pregnant. We are very blessed to have a beautiful 1 year old little boy and my husband and I were actively not trying for a second due to our personal circumstances and a fear to 2 under 2. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have my little boy so already feel guilty for feeling upset about this situation.

I went into a&e with stomach pains yesterday thinking it was appendicitis and had the shock of my life when I discovered I was pregnant. However, I was bleeding and in a lot of pain so I knew in my heart there and then it was ectopic - I’d heard of them and had read up about them due to anxiety in my pregnancy.

It had ruptured so the only option was to operate. All seems to have gone well, the team have been great (bar a long stint of being stuck in a corridor due to no beds) and I feel extremely lucky I only needed keyhole and they managed to save my ovary.

I feel absolutely numb and don’t really know how to start processing this. We suffered a missed miscarriage in 2021 and the parallels with the scan are there but it is different as I didn’t know I was pregnant (though weirdly a few intuitive friends had asked me recently if I was). My husband is obviously in shock as well but doesn’t seem to be as emotionally attached as to our first, which I suppose is natural. We had a funeral for our first and I feel we should do the same for this baby too. I know it wasn’t viable in the same way as with our first, where we had seen a heartbeat but on the scan I still saw the sack and viable or not, this was in my mind still our baby. But is that silly and a waste of time and resources for people who are more deserving of the support of a funeral?

I really don’t even know where to start with this and given we have our little boy, I feel guilty for feeling so lost about this when I know so many go through this with no children. We had our first born exactly one year after the first miscarriage so I’m not sure I’ve ever fully processed that loss so don’t know if I’m just conflating my emotions.

Has anyone else been through this and not known they were expecting? How did you cope? Any advice would be really appreciated and sorry for the long rant. Sending love and support to you all.

EPT Host 22
Posts: 668
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:26 am

Re: Coping with shock and loss

Post by EPT Host 22 »

Hi Flomo56,

I'm so very sorry to hear you have suffered an ectopic pregnancy and loss. I want you to know that you are not alone. These boards are filled with women and men who are, unfortunately, united by this experience. Ectopic pregnancy is both a physical and emotional trauma. It is usual to have so many thoughts and feelings, and I will do my best to help.

Your surgery is still very recent. It’s important for you to remember that there was nothing you did to cause nor nothing that could have prevented an ectopic pregnancy. Many women experience a mix of feelings, and this can include grief, hurt at loss and anger. Trying not to blame yourself is important, as it is no fault of yours, and nothing sadly could have been done to stop the ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage from happening.

Men also experience grief after an ectopic pregnancy. In many cases, it looks different from how women grieve. It's important to keep the lines of communication open. You might find that journalling helps you to put some of your emotions and thoughts on paper. For me, journalling helped me to organize my thoughts, questions, and emotions so that I could share them with my partner and family.

Physical recovery is often quicker than emotional recovery. We operate a helpline service, and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your own pace entirely, and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails, too, if you prefer that route.

It's most important to look after yourself right now. While I wish I could say that there is a route for recovery, each of us is so unique that every journey will be different. These boards are full of women and men who have experienced ectopic pregnancies, losses, and are recovering.

Be kind to yourself right now and take everything in your own time. Please know that we are here for you as long as you need.

With good wishes,


The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
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