Hi
I had my ectopic removed on the 30th April and the rollercoaster of emotions is still going, every time I think iv got to a point where I can have a happier day something pulls me back down. I find it difficult to put into words how I’m feeling because it’s so much. My situation has been intensified by the weekend that the pain from my ectopic started my partners 6 year old daughter came to live with us. To say it’s been hard is an understatement. I love her dearly but trying to grieve has been so difficult. We had not told her that I was pregnant so I see no good gained from causing her to grieve when she is in an already unsettling point in her life. She just believes that I had to have an operation because I had a bad tummy and they needed to find what was causing it and take it away so I could be well again to play with her.
I’m at home at the moment still, the way I’m feeling going back to work filled me with dread. I work in retail the thought of having to deal with people was sending me into a panic. I am coping quite well through the week she fills my time with the school run and generally keeping house while she’s at school I don’t stop until she goes to bed at 7.30 then I’m just exhausted. The problem is the weekends when she goes to her mothers I hit an all time low at first I thought I was using the time to grieve without upsetting her but now I’m starting to wonder if she is my crutch I use to avoid my feelings and that is why I am so down when she’s not here? I cannot motivate myself I pick fights with my partner everything he does irritates me. I feel empty and sad and angry and lost. All week I think this weekend I’m going to have a good weekend and then it starts I pity my partner this must be [heck] then the irrational thoughts kick in, he’s going to leave me if I keep this up. Which then anger me more and consume me. I feel like I’m dangling at the end of a rope waiting for something to give but I’m not sure what. Has anyone else ever felt like this? is there light at the end of the tunnel? What made you start to allow yourself happiness?
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Not coping with feelings.
Re: Not coping with feelings.
Not being allowed to talk about it isn't going to help. Maybe you should tell your partner's daughter (if he's ok with it) in simple turns so she can understand. My husband told his 4 year old niece that I was sad because we were going to have a baby but it went back to God's house and she was really sweet and gave him a cuddle, somehow it made us feel better. I obviously don't expect you to use the same words but his is a religious family and that what's we used to explain things to her.
When I wasn't facing my feelings I wrote a letter to my unborn child. When my husband saw it he cried, I think he hadn't been facing his feelings either and it was only then that he realised how he felt and how I felt. Either sit with your partner and tell him how you feel or write it out.
Tbh I felt like I should move on quickly too and am having the same thing as you! But instead of taking it out on my husband I've been really impatient and irritable with people at work. This led me into getting into trouble and I had a meltdown feeling like everyone hates me now, that I'm a horrible person and I should just quit my job and stay at home alone and cry. It was hard enough going back to work in the first place, especially because I work at a nursery looking after babies.
Since I sat down and talked about it all with my manager and explained things to my colleagues I feel a lot better and now I know that if I get irritable with colleagues they at least understand why and sort of let it go, not take it personally, but I have been less angry since anyway. I'm still scared that I'm going to shout at someone and the hardest thing was visiting a relative who just had a baby. All I could think was "I would've been 3 months now and telling everyone about the baby" but instead everyone found out weeks ago only when we lost it. I couldn't bear to hold the baby when it was being passed around and just avoided it then felt so guilty and like everyone was watching me to see my reaction.
If you talk to your partner about it ( how you feel about losing your baby) hopefully he will understand why you've been so angry and reassure you that he won't ever leave.
Have a big cry whenever you feel like it and try not to think about how other people will feel about your crying. When my parents came up to visit (they live a 5 hour drive away) I was so busy hiding my sadness and being determined to have a good time with them that I didn't get the support I should have got. I regret that now. I'm sure a good cry on my mum's shoulder would've made me feel a lot better but instead I pretended nothing ever happened and they were just over for a holiday because I didn't want to worry them and I WANTED to pretend nothing happened.
I;m still struggling but it's getting a bit better but without help I know I won't be ok. Which is why am on this site now.
I don't know but I hope this helps you and me both
When I wasn't facing my feelings I wrote a letter to my unborn child. When my husband saw it he cried, I think he hadn't been facing his feelings either and it was only then that he realised how he felt and how I felt. Either sit with your partner and tell him how you feel or write it out.
Tbh I felt like I should move on quickly too and am having the same thing as you! But instead of taking it out on my husband I've been really impatient and irritable with people at work. This led me into getting into trouble and I had a meltdown feeling like everyone hates me now, that I'm a horrible person and I should just quit my job and stay at home alone and cry. It was hard enough going back to work in the first place, especially because I work at a nursery looking after babies.
Since I sat down and talked about it all with my manager and explained things to my colleagues I feel a lot better and now I know that if I get irritable with colleagues they at least understand why and sort of let it go, not take it personally, but I have been less angry since anyway. I'm still scared that I'm going to shout at someone and the hardest thing was visiting a relative who just had a baby. All I could think was "I would've been 3 months now and telling everyone about the baby" but instead everyone found out weeks ago only when we lost it. I couldn't bear to hold the baby when it was being passed around and just avoided it then felt so guilty and like everyone was watching me to see my reaction.
If you talk to your partner about it ( how you feel about losing your baby) hopefully he will understand why you've been so angry and reassure you that he won't ever leave.
Have a big cry whenever you feel like it and try not to think about how other people will feel about your crying. When my parents came up to visit (they live a 5 hour drive away) I was so busy hiding my sadness and being determined to have a good time with them that I didn't get the support I should have got. I regret that now. I'm sure a good cry on my mum's shoulder would've made me feel a lot better but instead I pretended nothing ever happened and they were just over for a holiday because I didn't want to worry them and I WANTED to pretend nothing happened.
I;m still struggling but it's getting a bit better but without help I know I won't be ok. Which is why am on this site now.
I don't know but I hope this helps you and me both
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EPT Host 20
- Posts: 3176
- Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm
Re: Not coping with feelings.
Dear Nicky79,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.
You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body's signals and pain and feeling tired are your body's signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.
Your feelings are completely normal but if the bad days start to outweigh the good we at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x
**********************************************************************************************
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
**********************************************************************************************
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is a huge ordeal and you are in the early stages of recovery. Your body needs time to heal from your surgery which is in itself a gruelling task. You have also had to process the loss of your baby and been through an immense rollercoaster of emotions - all of this will take time to come to terms with.
You should take it very easily for about six weeks after surgery. Your body will be using its energies to heal internally. It is normal to feel physically and emotionally exhausted during this time and please do be kind to yourself. Recovery can take time and some days will be better than others, one day you maybe ok and the next you maybe in discomfort or more emotional. This is perfectly usual and the healing process will go back and forth in this way for however long you need. It is important to listen to your body's signals and pain and feeling tired are your body's signs to tell you to rest. We suggest keeping a healthy balanced diet, drinking lots of water and resting. Once your wounds have healed, very gentle exercise such as a short walk can help, but please do take this slowly.
Your feelings are completely normal but if the bad days start to outweigh the good we at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can helps the healing process. We operate a helpline service and there's no pressure whatsoever but if you would ever like the opportunity to speak over the phone to someone who has been through a similar experience, do feel free to call, details are below. We can take things at your pace entirely and you are free to ask any questions that are on your mind. You can talk about the ordeal you have been through and express your feelings to vent and let off some steam. We can exchange emails too, if you prefer that route. We'll simply be here for you, however you wish and for as long as you wish.
Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x
**********************************************************************************************
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering?
Further information is available at www.ectopic.org.uk
Email us at ept@ectopic.org.uk.
Our helpline is 020 7733 2653 (available Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm).
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team.
**********************************************************************************************
