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I blame myself

Just for men to post our questions and share our opinions about ectopic pregnancies. Please note this board is for men only. If you wish to ask a general question please post on the main board.
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Joined: Fri Mar 05, 2021 7:59 pm

I blame myself

Post by Mmcfly »


I write my story in the hope I will lift a heavy weight from my heart.

Around 2 months ago my fiancée suffered an ectopic pregnancy. We have been together a year in March and it was a bit of a whirlwind/lockdown romance. My partner suffered cancer before I met her and as a result of the chemo was always told having children would be a miracle. We never used protection. Our finances were and are horrible and we both still live with our parents. The day we found out she was pregnant wasn’t the happiest day of our lives as it should have been. We were happy but also really struggling to process everything and panicking about how we would raise and support a child on one wage and living apart and everything that went with it. My mother is an alcoholic and so that played a heavy part in our minds. We talked and talked, panicked and took multiple tests, struggling to believe it was true. We settled on a decision that for our life’s and the sake of our child that an abortion would be the best option. Shortly after my partner took unwell and had to be rushed to hospital, the gp at the time believed it simply to be a urine infection. When she arrived at hospital the doctors did there scans and found out she was having an ectopic pregnancy. It was due to an issue with her Fallopian tubes. I know this is the medical diagnosis and I know that if push came to shove we could never have an abortion but I still can’t shake the feeling of guilt. I can help but feel we were punished for having those thoughts and someone out there believed that we were not worthy of children. I blame myself for not using protection. It kills me everyday to think of how silly we were and what we lost as a result.

EPT Host 20
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Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm

Re: I blame myself

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear Mmcfly,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss.
When we experience ectopic pregnancy we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility, concerns about the future and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
Neither you or your partner did anything to make this ectopic pregnancy happen, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I know that when I had my ectopic pregnancy I also looked for a reason and almost automatically we tend to blame ourselves. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent the ectopic pregnancy from happening. I cannot emphasise enough - neither you or your are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself.

We do have more information on our website about contraception, If you feel now is not the right time to start a family. ... pregnancy/

Keep chatting to your partner about how you are feeling, it will help you both heal. Above all be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve and heal.

Sending much love,
Karen x
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
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