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My Story

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Hazel
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2022 5:14 pm

My Story

Post by Hazel »

Hi,

I just wanted to share my story. I had an ectopic pregnancy when I was 29. I am now 36. I still really struggle with what happened and I wonder if that's normal after so long.

For me, I feel pregnant 'accidentally'. I carry a lot of guilt. At the time, my partner had asked time to use the pill and I felt so against the idea but was too ashamed to admit that - I didn't want to upset him. I guess, I had been a bit 'stupid' assuming that I'd not get pregnant having been ok for so long. I feel immensely ashamed. Not only do I feel like an idiot for being so illogical about contraception, but I feel guilty. Guilty for causing it all. Guilty that had I not been so blazey and ashamed to voice my needs, it'd never have happened. I feel guilty that I misled my partner.

Then it afterwards, the days went past and ignored that part of me who said a pregnancy test to check and do something before I end up pregnant. But, I don't know, I didn't and the concequenes are hard to bare; the ectopic pregnancy shattered my very sense of safety. It all happened and he was away for work.

I remember being whizzed to a and e and the nurse said, 'oh my god', '[censored word]'. I only later learned it'd burst . Then within the space of a few minutes I signed a form declaring 'tissue disposal, read out my terms and then I woke up. I felt utter bereavement. I don't quite understand why. The doctor came in amd as I sobbed, I asked 'was it alive/did it hurt?' He said, 'I had a pulse'. To this day those words changed how I saw it all. T suddenly became human. The logical part of me says it was just a cell at 7 weeks.

I feel quite lost with it all. I ran away into depression to sort of cope with it all, telling myself I was fine.

But I still feel that heartbreak, everytime I see a child I cry. I think about what could it have been like? Did I cause allow this through poor choices. I feel like I caused it all. That it suffered. I feel lost with what happened. How can it still hurt so much? Was it all my fault through poor choices? Why do I wonder, 'what might it have been'.
How do you let go. I feel that I lost a part of myself and I very much did physically (fallopian tube).
I feel so scared that I only have one tube amd if O try again, maybe I will lose the last part of what it means to be female.

EPT Host 20
Posts: 3155
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm

Re: My Story

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear Hazel,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss. Thank you for being brave and opening up about your experience and feelings.
When we experience ectopic pregnancy, we are suddenly faced with a life threatening emergency and it's treatment, reduction in fertility and the loss of our babies. Experiencing any one of these is an ordeal, putting them together is immense and your feelings are completely normal.
I too suffered in silence for many years following my ectopic pregnancy. Like you I contacted the Trust, who suggested that whilst my feelings were normal, not being able to let go of the pain and guilt was causing me harm in the long term. It was suggested that I caught counselling, which I did.
There I learnt that although I will never forget my experience or my baby, I can learn to live with what happened and crucially understand that it wasn't my fault. From the bottom of my heart, there is nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening, please be kind to yourself.

I would advise speaking to your GP who maybe able to organise counselling for you, or the charity Mind maybe of some help.
We also have says to support you with emails or telephone calls. The details are below.

Sending much love and warm hugs,
Karen x

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
Ectopic pregnancy patient information suite: Highly Commended in the 2019 BMA Patient Information Awards
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During the coronavirus outbreak, The EPT team is still working hard to provide crucial information and support to women and families experiencing ectopic pregnancy as quickly and efficiently as we can.
If we have been able to help you, are you able to help us with a small donation or by volunteering or fundraising?
Further information is available at ectopic.org.uk
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back helpline service: 020 7733 2653
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list here: https://mailchi.mp/986bdd6091ee/ectopic-matters
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
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