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Second Thoughts

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Cassiek
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 10:09 pm

Second Thoughts

Post by Cassiek »

I had an ectopic pregnancy back in 2020 which resulted in a salpingectomy. My whole life I have always fantasized about having a baby. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years now but we were married young, he is now 28 and I am 26. After the surgery I went through a really rough patch, my husband helped to support me all the way. We have 4 dogs, 2 cats and I have a career in the restaurant industry that I have been working like crazy to get to the goal of opening my own place one day. We have a great life, which after I pulled myself out of my depression I convinced both myself and my husband that we shouldn’t have kids. That we should just appreciate each other and spend our lives helping needy animals. The state of the world we live in does not help the feeling, I don’t want to leave kids behind in this world as it burns. We had a party at my job yesterday for a baby shower and it dredged up a lot of my feelings of incompetence. I had a dream last night in which I made up my mind that instead I want to have kids. I called my husband to talk about it and he is so supportive either way and tried to calm all of my crazy thoughts but I’m the kind of person that can not stop overthinking things for even a second of the day. I now have this feeling that if I don’t have kids I’ll regret it being that I always wanted to have kids before this happened and I know that we are still young and we have time to change our minds but I’m afraid I’m never going to make up my mind and end up dwelling on this everyday to the point that it affects my day to day. As a woman my age I get questions constantly (especially at work) about when I’m going to have kids and I have confidently for the last year or so said we are not going to have kids but this dream has put so much doubt in my head and brought back the fantasy of having a family with the man I love. I try so hard not to think about the baby that could have been if my body had not failed us but that child would be a year and 9 months as of now and I just wish I could have met them. I know that no one can ever make this decision for me and my husband says he is happy either way, I just don’t know what to do. Sorry for the rant, thank you for reading.

EPT Host 20
Posts: 3155
Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm

Re: Second Thoughts

Post by EPT Host 20 »

Dear Cassiec,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy and loss,
Deciding whether or not to have children is such a complicated topic, add that to baby loss and the trauma of ectopic pregnancy and it is no wonder you are in such a quandary.
There is no right or wrong answer here, I guess just keeping an open dialogue with you partner and being true to your feelings will help steer you down the path that is right for you.

if you do decide to try again, it is normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget but we can learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes. Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away.

The chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that's 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.
While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things. It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years.
Making the decision to begin trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster compounded by our sad loss. Again, you are not alone. We here emotional support whenever you need us. There is a specific Preparing for your Next Pregnancy board you can look at too whenever feel ready.

Sending much love,
Karen x

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Sonia
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Oct 13, 2018 10:57 am

Re: Second Thoughts

Post by Sonia »

Dear Cassiek

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I had an ectopic pregnancy on Monday 25th July (injection). Since then I have been saying I don’t want children … Then this morning I woke up thinking I do want a child. I guess it’s ok to feel different thoughts…losing a baby is so difficult, we need time to heal emotionally. X
Take care.

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