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Advice on coping
Advice on coping
We had our ectopic pregnancy in June after a miscarriage in December last year. My best friend has just told me she’s pregnant with her second and sent me her 8 week scans. Cue biggest panic attack I’ve ever had. Fun times. We can’t try again until the end of September due to have treatment with methotrexate. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with my feelings towards my friend (it’s not fair, why does she get two when I can’t even have one) and advice around trying again? I’m prettified of scans and having more issues in future and just really not coping at the moment
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EPT Host 20
- Posts: 3176
- Joined: Thu May 31, 2012 10:58 pm
Re: Advice on coping
Dear Kshack,
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss,
We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It's what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us "bad" people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.
It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget our experience or babies, but we can learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.
Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away. -
The chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that's 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.
While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things. It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years.
Making the decision to begin trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster compounded by our sad loss. Again, you are not alone. We here emotional support whenever you need us. There is a specific Preparing for your Next Pregnancy board you can look at too whenever feel ready.
Sending much love,
Karen x
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
The EPT is awarded the PIF TICK as a Trusted Information Creator, the UK-wide quality mark for healthcare information
*************************************************************************
If the information provided here or through the EPT website has helped you, you can donate towards our support services, volunteer, or fundraise to raise awareness.
Further information is available on our website.
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back support line: 020 7733 2653. We are able to provide support in multiple languages including British Sign Language.
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list.
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
*************************************************************************
I am so sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy loss,
We hear from many women who struggle with news about pregnancy from their friends and families. This is very normal and I was the same after my loss. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I had to attend a family function and a close family member was heavily pregnant. I spent the whole day and evening avoiding her as I found it too hard to be near her. It's what I needed to do to get through the day and have some space and please protect your heart in whatever way you need. This does not make us "bad" people and it is possible to be happy for those around us while grieving for our own loss. Pregnancies and babies can be a very stark reminder of what could have been and it can be painful. Please do be gentle with yourself and you can talk to us whenever you need.
It is normal to feel anxious about the future. We experience a mix of emotions from wanting to try again to being petrified of what may lie ahead. We never forget our experience or babies, but we can learn to accept what happened. It is a slow process that might be weeks or months ahead. In time, we can get to a place where we feel comfortable trying again. When this is, is individual for each person. There is no timeframe for recovery, take each day as it comes.
Importantly early scans avail. As soon as you know you are pregnant, contact your local EPU to inform them and book in for an early scan at around six weeks. Remind them of your previous ectopic pregnancy. This self refer route is the best route in our view. Hopefully you will have some comfort to know you are under the radar of medical professionals right away. -
The chances of a further ectopic after a first in UK is 10%. So that's 90% chance of the embryo being in right place next time.
While generally it is possible to conceive after an ectopic pregnancy, the amount of time it takes varies from couple to couple. Factors include age, general health, reproductive health and how often you have sex, among other things. It may be comforting to know that 65% of women are successfully pregnant within 18 months of experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and some studies suggest this rises to around 85% after two years.
Making the decision to begin trying to conceive is an emotional rollercoaster compounded by our sad loss. Again, you are not alone. We here emotional support whenever you need us. There is a specific Preparing for your Next Pregnancy board you can look at too whenever feel ready.
Sending much love,
Karen x
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
The EPT is awarded the PIF TICK as a Trusted Information Creator, the UK-wide quality mark for healthcare information
*************************************************************************
If the information provided here or through the EPT website has helped you, you can donate towards our support services, volunteer, or fundraise to raise awareness.
Further information is available on our website.
Email us: ept@ectopic.org.uk
We provide a call-back support line: 020 7733 2653. We are able to provide support in multiple languages including British Sign Language.
Take a look at our newsletters and subscribe to our mailing list.
Detailed medical information can be found on our website. Please remember online medical information is NO SUBSTITUTE for expert medical advice from your own health care team
*************************************************************************
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Sunflower89
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Sat Aug 12, 2023 10:24 am
Re: Advice on coping
Hi Kshack,
I'm sorry for your loss and for your current experience - I can totally appreciate how difficult it is for you right now and the mix of emotions right now. My loss is very recent so I'm fortunate in that I haven't had to deal with a situation like this quite yet, but I'm already finding myself withdrawing from some close friends with small babies that I don't feel ready to talk to about everything just yet. I'm also very worried about future fertility - I'm 34 and we'd been trying for a year before this pregnancy - and I'm already trying to mentally prepare for announcements from friends who I know are contemplating children in the near future, and second guessing my own potential feelings.
I've just read the Worst Girl Gang Ever and found that did a good job at articulating the 'ugly feelings' - especially the struggle to be happy for friends and loved ones when the situation feels very unfair. If you haven't read it then it may be worth a read, even just to help feel a bit less alone.
I'm sure (we'll I hope!) as your best friend she's mindful of the sensitivities of the current situation, and she wanted to tell you as soon as possible to help you too as well as share her excitement. But if you haven't already I would try and find a way to explain how traumatic scans are for you, so in future she can share updates in a way that is less triggering and means you can be as supportive as possible. That way for example she can tell you the 12 week scan went well, and you can either ask to see the scan if you're in the right head space, or just respond to say you're really pleased it's going well. I hope you have other friends who you can express some of this too, but if not there seems to be a good amount of people here to offer support x
I'm sorry for your loss and for your current experience - I can totally appreciate how difficult it is for you right now and the mix of emotions right now. My loss is very recent so I'm fortunate in that I haven't had to deal with a situation like this quite yet, but I'm already finding myself withdrawing from some close friends with small babies that I don't feel ready to talk to about everything just yet. I'm also very worried about future fertility - I'm 34 and we'd been trying for a year before this pregnancy - and I'm already trying to mentally prepare for announcements from friends who I know are contemplating children in the near future, and second guessing my own potential feelings.
I've just read the Worst Girl Gang Ever and found that did a good job at articulating the 'ugly feelings' - especially the struggle to be happy for friends and loved ones when the situation feels very unfair. If you haven't read it then it may be worth a read, even just to help feel a bit less alone.
I'm sure (we'll I hope!) as your best friend she's mindful of the sensitivities of the current situation, and she wanted to tell you as soon as possible to help you too as well as share her excitement. But if you haven't already I would try and find a way to explain how traumatic scans are for you, so in future she can share updates in a way that is less triggering and means you can be as supportive as possible. That way for example she can tell you the 12 week scan went well, and you can either ask to see the scan if you're in the right head space, or just respond to say you're really pleased it's going well. I hope you have other friends who you can express some of this too, but if not there seems to be a good amount of people here to offer support x
