My support system is a little lacking :/

[Beej11]

So I had an ectopic in November which was medically managed and am just home from an emergency laparotomy to remove the left tube after another ectopic where medical management didn’t work

The surgeon was so lovely, she runs a fertility clinic and we have a meeting booked in for June to discuss potentially doing IVF (due to 2 ectopics, 1 tube and apparently endometriosis).

It’s reassuring that we have that in place once MTX is out of my system and I’m recovered BUT

WHY IS EVERYBODY SO OBSESSED WITH IT BEING ABOUT NOT HAVING A BABY

I just feel like I’m the only person in my vicinity who recognises the loss. And the trauma of what has happened. Lots of ‘at least’ comments and ‘it’ll happen’ comments. I’m probably tired from the horrible hospital experience and emotionally exhausted but I think I’m going to snap.

Do I just avoid talking to people for a while?! This isn’t like me, I usually have a lot of patience but wow… and that’s another thing, I feel like I’ve lost my old self and that’s really hard.

Any tips for getting through this? I realise there’s no perfect thing to say but I’m starting to prefer isolating myself and not liking myself for being so irritable

[Enfys]

I am so sorry to hear all you’ve had to go through.
I can relate to a lot of how you feel. The “at least you can get pregnant” and “try and see the positive” comments have been so hurtful.
I am lucky though that I have a few select people who are really supportive and don’t say stupid things. And I can try and avoid the rest.
There is an episode of Elizabeth Day’s Best friend therapy podcast (season 2 episode 2) which is all about fertility and helped my best friend (who was already pretty great) and my husband (again already pretty great) communicate with me better. It may be something you feel you can share with your nearest and dearest. I think the key thing is to listen and not offer advice or anecdotes!
I have found acupuncture and mindfulness really helpful through our long infertility and IVF cycles.
Being post op as well right now, I think it’s okay to feel rock bottom. I’m trying to envisage the things I am looking forward to enjoying and aiming to do once I feel better.

[Beej11]

It’s like there’s this external pressure to be back on my feet because of all the forced positivity. The week isn’t even over! Give me a minute :’)

Thank you for the assurance and tips - I’ll get my moneys worth from headspace and try to focus on making some small plans to look forward to.

[Enfys]

I’m so sorry it is not fair at all. Give yourself time and try and ignore the “noise”. Message any time you need to vent or just some understanding xx

[EPT Host 22]

Hi Beej11,

I'm so sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy and loss. Experiencing an ectopic pregnancy is both a physical and emotional trauma. The boards here are filled with women and men who are, sadly, bound by these experiences. These are safe spaces for you to share your thoughts, ask questions, and just vent. They are also filled with positive stories which can help heal the pain and move you forward.

Our physical recovery is often quicker than our emotional recovery. This can especially be the case when we encounter others' pregnancies or comments about our own. It is very natural to feel a mix of emotions when we see other people with pregnancies and children. We can feel happy for them, but we also are grieving our own loss and what might have been. Please be kind to yourself.

It may sound simple, but I found journalling a good way to put my thoughts on paper and my husband to do the same so we could process them individually and share them with one another. Each of our experiences is unique, even if it is shared.

We at the Trust believe that talking through what happened and your emotions as and when you can help the healing process. We are more than happy to talk with you by email or telephone and answer any questions you may have or simply listen to your experience. In addition, you can ask to see a GP at your practice and ask them to explore ways in which you can get help, and this can include referrals for "talking therapies" or counselling. The charity, Mind may also be of assistance. They have local centres and support groups and can offer services on a means-tested basis or sometimes free. You can find your local centre following this link if that may be useful too: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/.


With good wishes,


Michele

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Registered Charity Number: 1071811
The EPT is awarded the PIF TICK as a Trusted Information Creator, the UK-wide quality mark for healthcare information

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[Victoria_90]

Hiya, I have some understanding of how you feel…. The ‘everything happens for a reason’ mob - I still feel like I want flip out at them! My surgery happened in September and I’ve just been referred to nhs talking therapies by my doctor - not something I’ve done before but hoping it will help… wishing you all the best xx

[Beej11]

Thank you! The idea that the universe has a plan or everything happens for a reason isn’t comforting when you’ve been through the works, is it?
I have started talking therapies too. I find it very intense and exhausting but very very helpful to have that space without judgement.

Good luck with everything x

[CamLe]

Hey there, I can totally relate and I'm sorry you're going through this. I had two ectopic pregnancies in the left tube last year, dealt with medically first and then with surgery. I've heard all sorts of things.. On balance I still found it more helpful talking than not, but I see why you might want to keep to yourself to avoid harmful advice/positivity. Maybe worth focusing on a few important people and getting them to improve? I like Enfys' idea of sharing a podcast to let them educate themselves!!

Glad to hear you're doing therapy, it's helped me a lot too (definitely draining though!). Recently I started working on anger with my therapist. I realised I had been trying to suppress it. It's weird, but it's been helping me to acknowledge it and make space for it. We all have things to be really angry at on this forum.. I hope you find the support you need to get better. It does get better with time. Xo