Chrissie pens a letter to herself

13 Aug 2021 | By Kerri

Dear Chrissie

I know that you are sat there in your hospital bed feeling scared, bewildered, and thinking what the hell? You are waiting for the surgery that although will save your life will mean the end of the life of your baby. I know that you will have a million thoughts going through your head, wondering if there is any chance that the doctors have it wrong and it’s not an ectopic pregnancy after all, but deep down you know that this is the truth. This letter is full of love, support, and faith from your future self, sent to give you courage that you can do this and faith that yes it does get better. I promise that one day you will look back on this experience and rather than feeling that this still defines you, there will be acceptance and love.
You will find a strength that will inspire others and make you realise that you are much stronger than you think you can be right now. There will be times that you feel the exact opposite and will feel like you are breaking inside, but you will feel a gentle strength from someone/something holding you up and carrying you along.
This is also a gentle heads up that whilst you will recover physically from your surgery in a couple of weeks, the emotional fallout will hit you hard just as you go back to work. People around you may not understand and will not be able to empathise, but I beg you please don’t hide your feelings or run away from them. You have every right to feel all the pain, confusion, fear, and sadness that you feel and don’t let anyone tell you any different. You will discover that some people are not who you thought they were – natural wastage my darling girl, but you will also discover the kindness of those that you do not yet know and who you would not expect it from. Take each hand offered and use it to steady yourself as you begin your healing journey.

I know that you feel a sense of what is my purpose here if I can’t have a baby? My love that is not what defines you and sadly when you go through this again (expectantly managed this time), one day it will all make sense, please never give up hope.
You discover meditation and other forms of self-care, all of those will help you on your recovery and acceptance journey. You will use your compassion and empathy to support people around you and start to feel a deep sense of peace.
You will struggle with your emotions at times and there will be some dark days – but they will slowly get less and less! Please don’t ever let anyone tell you that your feelings are not valid – if they have not been through this experience then who are they to judge.
You will discover the key to the future is to accept your body for what it can do rather than for what it can’t, and I promise you that peace does come, and it flourishes inside you.
My darling girl you are going to be OK, yes this is a horrid crappy heart-breaking experience, but you are protected, loved, and supported and it will be OK.
Let yourself feel, let your pain go when you are ready and then you will heal, that I promise you.
I love you.
Chrissie

If you would like to share your experience please email kerri@ectopic.org.uk

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