After 18 months of waiting and hoping, we were overjoyed to finally be pregnant with our miracle.
The journey to this pregnancy had been long and challenging. The endless months of ovulation tracking, taking fertility vitamins in hope they would work, attending fertility appointments, repeated medical checks, and watching friends and family start their own families while we watched from the outside, made this pregnancy feel even more precious.
From the very beginning, we started to plan, writing in our pregnancy journal and excitedly sharing the news with our nearest and dearest. All of the baby onesies we had bought in previous years finally came out of the drawer, ready to be used. In the short time I was carrying our baby, the world just felt so much brighter. It finally felt like our time, and we were so ready to be parents.
But a few weeks later, I developed severe cramps that made it painful to sit, stand, walk, or even lie down. We rushed to hospital, where we spent days and nights undergoing tests and emergency scans. At one point we were reassured that everything appeared to be in the right place, only to be told the next day that our baby had implanted outside the womb, an ectopic pregnancy, the most dangerous outcome of the first trimester.
In a matter of minutes, our world shifted. We went from checking whether our baby was in the right place to being told our pregnancy could not continue, and that the focus now had to be on protecting my life. The heartbreak of hearing those words is indescribable.
After this, the painful trips to and from the hospital in hopes my pregnancy hormone levels were dropping were exhausting, all while grieving the baby who had brought us so much joy and happiness. When the day finally came that I was told it was all over, I felt both relief that the danger had passed and devastation knowing this also meant our baby was gone.
At times I have questioned my right to grieve, knowing my body was able to resolve the pregnancy naturally when others must go through surgery or treatment to save their lives. The truth is, losing a much-longed-for baby is heartbreaking no matter how it happens, and the pain of that loss is very real. My heart also breaks for any other couple that have to go through this.
Even now, we cannot help but worry about what might happen next.
What if it happens again?
What if next time, the outcome is much worse?
These fears are heavy, and they remind us how fragile and precious pregnancy can be.
Considering that so many ectopic pregnancies require surgery, it feels like a miracle that my body managed to resolve the pregnancy naturally and keep me safe. I know how fortunate I am, yet the grief of losing our baby will always stay with me and my husband.
This has been the most traumatic experience we have ever faced, made even harder by knowing that our risk of another ectopic is now higher. We are both heartbroken to have lost something we waited so long for, but we are also counting our blessings that I am safe, pain-free, and fully recovered, and valuing my health more than ever.
We cannot thank The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust enough for honouring our baby by adding “Baby Gillard” to their ‘tulip patch’. To see our little one remembered in this way means more than words can express. I’m also incredibly grateful for the helpful supportive resources created by the charity.
For other couples going through this: allow yourselves to grieve, in your own time and in your own way. It is okay to feel heartbreak, fear, and even guilt. Talk openly with your partner, lean on trusted friends or family, and seek professional support if you need it.
For friends and family members of someone who has experienced an ectopic pregnancy, please remember that compassion, listening, checking in, and simply acknowledging the loss can mean the world.
Our hearts go out to any couple that has ever been impacted by ectopic pregnancy and baby loss.
If I could say one thing: allow yourselves to grieve, in your own time and in your own way.
Thank you to our contributor for sharing their experience. If you would like to share your experience of ectopic pregnancy, please visit our guide for more information.
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