I had what I initially thought was a very light and very painless period in November 2020. It only lasted a few days and was so unlike my other cycles. Then December rolled around, and I didn’t have a period at all. So, I decided it was time to take a pregnancy test. And when I finally did, those two blue lines were so bright, they showed up so fast I didn’t even have time to do the classic ‘turn the test upside for added suspense’.
I didn’t know what to think. I told my partner, and he was excited. We had both had a couple of hard years and this was something we both wanted for our future. We didn’t expect to be having a baby right now but what a blessing!
We thought about names. We picked one for a girl. We both instantly thought of the name, and it seemed so right. Every day I woke up and said good morning to my growing baby. And before bed each day, I rubbed my tummy goodnight. Everything was perfect.
And then a few weeks later, during the first week of the new year, I started to feel a dull ache in my right side, very low down. I’m fairly active, and at first it felt like a stitch or a pulled muscle, so I thought maybe I’d just strained something. I started to get bad sickness but had heard you can get this in pregnancy so didn’t think too much of it. But as the days went on, the pain was getting worse and worse. I had to go home from work,
I was told ‘if you can’t tolerate pregnancy pains now, you won’t last the rest of the pregnancy!’ And I felt pathetic. I thought this must be normal. I tried to ignore it.
It had been a week and I had started to get bouts of dizziness. I had called the doctor three times about my concerns but was told it was normal to feel some discomfort in the first trimester.
The next week, I had to isolate at home with my partner as someone I had worked a shift with had Covid. This meant I was home and my partner had to stay home too, to keep the risk of spreading the virus low.
I remember hanging decorations on the tree with my partner’s mother. I had to sit down because I felt so sick and dizzy, and the pain was getting too much. We called the doctor again. I was crying because I think I knew what was happening but didn’t want to accept it. I described my symptoms: lower one-sided abdominal pain, sickness, fainting, shoulder tip pain, and had just started to get brown bleeding. The doctor told me to stay calm and that he thought I may have wound myself up. I was sounding hysterical. It would be best to wait until my 12-week scan that was coming up.
I woke up later that night, in the most excruciating pain I had ever felt. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak. I tried so hard to wake my partner, but I was in agony. I kept blacking out. I woke up to my partner on the phone, looking really concerned. I blacked out again. I woke up and my partner was getting everything ready ‘we are going to the hospital’. I finally felt some sense of calm. I was so tired and so desperately sad now the reality of the situation was undeniable. The drive to the hospital was one I’ll never forget.
I was sick all the way to the hospital. I remember being wheeled into the emergency department and blacking out in the waiting area by myself as it was still covid times. I woke up in a separate room, the lovely nurse tried to take my blood. Nothing was coming out of my arm. They tipped my bed really low to try and get some out. Again, I blacked out. I woke up in resus with wires everywhere. I had a drip in, and they told me I had lost a lot of blood, but that I was safe now.
I don’t know how much time passed. It felt like an age but a second all at the same time. A lovely doctor came to speak with me to confirm what I suspected. ‘I’m so sorry. The pregnancy is ectopic, it’s in your Fallopian tube which has ruptured and causing you to lose a lot of blood. We need to operate right now. I’m so sorry but I need you to acknowledge what I’m telling you. There’s nothing we can do for the baby. I’m so sorry.’.
My heart broke. This poor man looked so upset having to give the news. I felt validated by this, but still so broken. He gave me a minute.
I sang ‘you are my sunshine’ and rubbed my belly one last time as they wheeled me away.
The ladies on the ward were lovely. The staff were incredible. I was so emotionally numb that I don’t think I took anything in. They gave me my notes and so many leaflets and contact cards so I could access help and support. I felt like I’d lost a limb. I felt so incomplete. I missed my partner. He hadn’t heard from me for over 24 hours because I hadn’t been awake, he was terrified. I finally got through to him and he handled everything. Getting me from the hospital, looking after me in the following weeks, grieving with me. I felt so guilty that I hadn’t been able to give him this baby. I felt guilty that it went wrong. I was so scared he would leave me, but we grew closer than ever.
I started to get myself out of the house and on walks by March/April time. The bluebells started popping up and I thought of my baby. I wanted so badly to heal, physically and emotionally. I didn’t want to feel this sadness anymore.
Recovery was hard. I was experiencing PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and working in a nursery was too difficult. I eventually quit my job. I reshaped my life, and got help from services, such as The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust, to help me process. My partner was my absolute rock the whole time. He still is.
There are still days where I am sad about it. I am still frightened of the thought of another ectopic pregnancy. It’s hard to get excited about pregnancies when you have experienced such fear for your life and such grief for losing the baby.
But the days of feeling better have increased. I think the pain is always there, but you learn to deal with it a lot better. It’s hard to talk about, but I do. Because I want people to know the symptoms, so they don’t have to have the same experience as me. And I want to talk about my grief, to validate others. And I want to talk about our love for the baby, because although they were carried for a short while, I will love and think of them forever. They existed and they exist still in my memory and in my heart.
🦋🕊️12.1.21 🩷💙
Thank you to Alice and Will for sharing their experience. If you would like to share your experience of ectopic pregnancy, please visit our guide for more information.
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