I’m not pregnant…. anymore.
I was pregnant. But I didn’t tell many people about it.
We were excited, thinking of names, looking at houses or renovating our tiny house.
I started having complications, bleeding and cramping. I went from worried, to relieved when I heard that beautiful heartbeat, to shattered within an hour at my doctor’s office. I had an interstitial ectopic pregnancy*. The baby had attached where the uterus and the Fallopian tube connect. This is also where the main blood supply to the uterus is located. Because of this my doctor said it was too dangerous to let me continue the pregnancy. My uterus would rupture causing uncontrollable haemorrhage and possibly death.
It is a rare place for implantation. That day, I got two methotrexate shots and the following week, when the medication didn’t stop the growth of the fetus, I had surgery. I bounce between being thankful that they caught it early enough that I didn’t die and being so angry that a few centimetres farther and the baby and I both could have survived.
It’s been a year now and I have more good days than bad days now, but I still cry occasionally in the shower or when I’m in the car alone. I think I will always have a hole in my heart that won’t ever heal. The pain isn’t the soul crushing kind that kept me from doing everyday tasks like before, now it’s a constant dull ache in the back of my mind that never quite goes away.
*Kasie informed us that she was told her ectopic was cornual. A cornual ectopic pregnancy only occurs in a uterus that has not formed as expected. However, some doctors call interstitial pregnancies ‘cornual’ which is confusing, so the term ‘interstitial’ is preferred.