I need you to know that I will make decisions that I thought were for the best at the time, I underestimate you and your understanding and compassion, so I make the choice not to tell you why I was in hospital.
I will be absent, a lot. Not physically, physically I will never leave your side. But I will check out, and it will be for a while. I need you to know that it’s nothing to do with you, you are my shining light, the only thing keeping me going every day, you give me a purpose and a reason to stay.
It might be hard, but it won’t be forever. I need you to know that one day, in a year or so, I take you for a walk with me and we start the difficult conversation about ectopic pregnancy and what had happened. You will ask all of the questions that have been troubling you, and I will be as honest and as gentle as I can. You will be angry, and rightly so, that I kept this ‘secret’ from you. You will argue that you had a right to know, you will cry and I will cry with you.
I need you to know how proud I will be of you, how you took this information and allowed yourself to show me those fierce emotions, I wish I could be more like you. It becomes a weekly walk, just the two of us, talking. Those conversations probably help me more than anything, you teach me so much in how you take this information, digest it and openly discuss it with others. You teach me what real compassion and empathy is. Your innocence in asking questions and sharing how you feel, reminds me that I should have given myself permission to feel like that too. You drive me on to make a difference, to be a voice for others who feel the same as I had felt.
One day, unfortunately, it will be likely that someone you know will go through pregnancy loss, and I know that you will be the support that they need, that your generation are going to be the real change in breaking the silence surrounding it.
Thank you for being you, thank you for accepting my apologies and thank you for driving me forward. Because each and every day, I strive to be more like you.
Your Mam x
If you would like to share your own letter or creativity inspired by your experience, you can find more information on our Words of Wellbeing page.