December 16th, 2023: A day I will never forget. This was the day that I found out we were expecting our first baby.
Due to spotting after my positive pregnancy test, I reached out to a friend who told me the following day that I should get checked “just in case.” I had an ultrasound and bloodwork done- too early for ultrasound, but my hCG (a hormone produced in pregnancy) tripled in 48 hours which was so promising. So, I let myself get my hopes up. Christmas day, an hour after I told my parents, I had red blood heavier than spotting but much lighter than my period and left-sided pain that would come and go. I told myself I was thinking too much about and it eventually went away. I called first thing the following morning and got more bloodwork, my levels were increasing so I was told what I was experiencing was “normal”.
January 8, 2024: My lower stomach was uncomfortable with continued spotting. I thought it was gas pains as it felt extremely full, and I had lots of pressure. I wasn’t hungry at all, sudden movements hurt, coughing and laughing hurt, and I had severe brain fog. I had this feeling in my gut. I knew something was wrong. I called my doctors, and they sent me for more bloodwork and wanted me to get an ultrasound. Luckily, there was one available the same day or my story may have been very different. Following my ultrasound that afternoon, the doctor came in and all I remember is her saying “Your pregnancy is not in your uterus, it is an ectopic pregnancy. I’m so sorry.”. I went cold and my stomach dropped. I looked at my mom and she had tears in her eyes, she told me “It is okay to cry” and I lost it.
My baby was 8 weeks and perfect in every way, with a heartbeat, they just chose the wrong spot to make “home”. I was rushed down to the emergency room, poked for IVs and a line for a blood transfusion just in case, and then I headed into surgery as my Fallopian tube had ruptured and I was bleeding internally. I lost half a litre of blood from the rupture. I was close to needing a blood transfusion but was fortunate that we caught it just in time. Following the surgery and the days after, I was in so much pain, physically and emotionally. I had/have zero of the risk factors associated with ectopic pregnancy and I was told that it is just really “bad luck”, and then I was told that now my chance of having another is even higher than originally.
I found peace in knowing that in my future pregnancies, I will be monitored closely with bloodwork and early ultrasounds – but I’m still terrified. I have good days and then I have low days. I am triggered by things and events that I would have never thought I would be. Like my mom holding a friend’s baby. I had to leave the event because I couldn’t breathe or hold myself together and did not want to make a scene. I am fighting with myself and my grief because I was only eight weeks along when other women experienced the unimaginable with stillbirths and infants and child loss.
The thoughts of what should have been could have been or would have been constantly run through my mind. I am preparing myself for the months to come as they would have been my pregnancy milestones that other expecting mothers are hitting. Each day is a new day and I have been working on healing myself. I am moving forward knowing that the past is nothing I could have changed or prevented. I find peace knowing that my sweet baby is being held and rocked up in Heaven with my late relatives who meant so much to me. Time heals my physical wounds, but the fear remains. I never thought I would be a part of the 1 in 80 statistic.
I hate that this experience has robbed me of the excitement of pregnancy, as I am terrified for what’s to come. I am so thankful I found this community to know that I am not alone in what I am feeling in response to my ectopic pregnancy. What pushes me on is knowing that we will have our rainbow babies, someday. But for now, I will remember our first baby and our Angel.
Thank you to Madeline and Timothy for sharing their experience. If you would like to share your experience of ectopic pregnancy, please visit our guide for more information.
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