Dear Tiny Toes
I have tied to write this letter so many times. I have so many things I want to tell you but the words won’t come out as the tears are running down my face.
You are a little miracle who surprised me and your daddy with two little lines I had never seen before. I remember feeling a little bit strange that day and it was grandma’s birthday…. your great grandma and felt like it was a sign after all these years…coming home from work to tell your daddy and his face light up .. we were both so happy and couldn’t wait to see you. Your heart was beating with mine and we were a family.
When the nurses couldn’t find you on the scan, I just thought you are little like me and in a few days time we will see you, as it is a bit scary when you have people looking at you. Hearing the news that you had found a home so safe the doctors couldn’t see you and that you couldn’t stay there left me so sad, as your little heart was beating with mine and I didn’t want to lose you … I didn’t want you to die as I would have done anything I could to save you. No amount of pain I was in compares to the pain I suffer every day now as I miss you so much … I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore or what to do.
You were our first little natural miracle and I am lost without you.
I know you will be looking after Alfie and Daisy but my heart aches .. for you all …and I wish you were here with me toddling around the house and up to mischief with your daddy.
You have helped me to help other people like me and raise awareness for ectopic pregnancy. I love to run for you, with your daddy, and your grandma really loved her walking challenge and is very happy with her shiny medal. Me and your daddy are going to walk for you this week and your brothers and sisters as a family, as without you I wouldn’t have met the lovely ladies at The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust who have been there for me when I get upset and have a few wobbles. I wish you were here Tiny Toes, I feel so sad every day and when Alfie died my little heart broke in places that I don’t think will mend… your daddy even cried too and losing your sister Daisy was too much for me and I feel so broken. I feel so lost I miss you all so much and our little embryos …I saw moving and wriggling around before they found a little home with me and I know the doctors tell me it’s not my fault I feel like it is as I’m your mummy and none of you are in my arms and wriggling around on the floor.
I wish I could find a home so safe no one could find me.
I look up at the stars every night and send you so much love.
I look at Bruce everyday who shines so bright for you and is so happy in his new pot… although your daddy isn’t keen on moving him when the grass needs cutting!! Bruce is so fluffy at the moment and all ready to sparkle so bright for you on your third birthday next month. I love to sit and watch Bruce every day, especially now its getting a little darker and his lights shine, it fills my heart with so much love for you .
I love you so much Tiny Toes
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