I found out I was pregnant in January 2019, my partner and I had separated a week previously, but we got back together again when I found out.
All was going well until I was at work on February 13th and had some bleeding, not enough for a pad, but I confided in a female colleague about it and she told me that minor bleeding like that happens sometimes. I took no heed after that as I had no cramping or no pain.
That evening I was at my parents, sitting watching tv, and all of a sudden, I experienced the most severe pain I’ve ever had in my life in my right hip area. It crippled me and to this day it’s the worst pain I can describe to anyone (bearing in mind I’ve had two sections and three other miscarriages, one with surgery). I went down to my room and rang my local out of hours service and they told me go straight over to the hospital.
When I arrived, I was the second person in the waiting room. I was in agony; I was also feeling very faint at this stage and asked my partner to accompany me to the toilet so that I could vomit because I was afraid that I might pass out. When we left the toilet, in tears and doubled over, I asked the receptionist if I could please be seen because I was about to pass out. I was called within two minutes.
The moment they put me on the bed I roared with pain. They got me a tramadol injection to help ease the pains I had and brought a machine in to do a scan. They told me that I wasn’t pregnant because they couldn’t see anything in my womb but took bloods and sure enough they came back indicating that I was pregnant.
After another scan with a different tech, an ovarian ectopic was seen.
They brought me to a ward for monitoring; I don’t recall much from this period as I was in intense pain and very lucid. At 9am the following morning my vitals were checked and my blood pressure was sky high, the nurse had asked was I in pain and I said no the painkiller was still effective, but that I did have a niggling pain on my shoulder blade. I was in surgery within 10 minutes of telling her that.
I woke up that evening from surgery with the oxygen tube still on me, machines all around bleeping and my mother in the chair beside me. I still hadn’t fully processed what has happened. The nurse came in and told me I had internal bleeding due the pregnancy trying to ‘escape’ from my ovary out into my abdomen and that is what was causing all the pain and the internal bleeding. I broke down and I was in pain for weeks while recovering.
To this day, I still cry about it. And I hate to think of the pain that I experienced, I felt extremely lucky that I was taken to surgery when I was.
This was my first loss and it was hard to understand; why me? I’ll never fully heal from this but I will always remember what could have been.
The poem, Little Snowdrop, was given to me by a nurse and I still read it every now and again.