Ruth's Letter to her baby

14 Oct 2021 | By Kerri
Personal Experience. A part of The EPT's Words of Wellbeing

Dear Baby Oli,

Your daddy and I decided we wanted to grow our family, so we planned for an early summer baby, we were overjoyed that October morning when we took the test eagerly and saw the 2 lines that came. We instantly fell in love with you and had already began imagining what colour hair and eyes you would have. Would you look more like Mummy or Daddy? Were you a girl or a boy? One thing we knew straight away would be what name you would have.  

But you were too good for this earth my love, you hadn’t managed to make it to my safe womb to grow, instead you had gotten stuck in my fallopian tube. Every trip to the EPU I was willing that we would see you in my womb on each scan, but each time there was nothing. 

When the consultant told me I needed to go into hospital to have Methotrexate I cried, the journey to hospital was heart-breaking. it seemed so unfair to have to sign a consent form the following morning to give permission for the nurse to administer an injection. I sobbed my heart out, I felt broken like I had failed you. You were loved so much and so wanted my sweet baby.  

You stayed with me still growing for 2 more weeks before my tube ruptured and I was rushed into hospital, going for surgery the following morning when you were cut out of me. My whole world collapsed, you were gone and the world was dark. 

It took a while my darling for mummy to see in colour again, and I miss you every day. Even still a day doesn’t go by when I wonder what you would have looked like or what your character would have been. You are still so very much loved. 

I want to thank you for sending me your sister’s, as much as they have helped me heal, I still have a hole in my heart which belongs to you. We remember you each year on what would be your due date, we also remember you in October. 

One day I will get to hold you in my arms in heaven my love and see your face.  

Know that mummy loves you so very, very much always.

Till we meet sweet baby.

Mummy xx

Thank you to Ruth for sharing her letter with us. If you would like to share your experience of ectopic pregnancy, please visit our guide for more information.

If you would like to share your own letter or creativity inspired by your experience, you can find more information on our Words of Wellbeing page.

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