The moment that I got that positive pregnancy test, which I had been waiting so long for, I knew something wasn’t right. I was spotting and had a constant ache in the lower left side of my abdomen. A few weeks went by, and nothing had changed apart from the bleeding which was getting heavier and more painful.
I was told that I had miscarried but still needed a scan to check a few days later. Laying on that bed alone due to covid restrictions was the most heart-breaking thing I’ve ever had to go through. Hearing those words, there’s no sign of pregnancy and being told I couldn’t leave the hospital until they checked it was safe and that I wasn’t bleeding internally, having to make that phone call to my partner to tell him he was allowed in the hospital to discuss our options, hearing his scared voice when I told him it was an ectopic pregnancy; something I never thought I would be saying.
The ectopic pregnancy was in my left Fallopian tube. It was December 2020, covid 19 had peaked again and I found myself having to attend the hospital every 48 hours to check my hormone levels, I was treated with methotrexate.
After six weeks of having to attend the hospital every few days, my hormone levels had reached a safe level, which meant the pregnancy had gone. Everyone around me was so relieved that I was no longer pregnant and in danger, but I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt and anger. From the second you get those two lines on a pregnancy test…that’s your baby. In my head I kept thinking it was my fault, the baby was growing in my Fallopian tube, maybe I did something wrong for this to happen.
But now three years later I’m lying on my bed writing this with my 18-month-old little girl cradled in my arms sleeping.
You never forget the pain, but it does get easier.