A Letter to the People Who Have Never Heard of Ectopic Pregnancy
Dear people,
I wish you knew about the pain.
Not the pain that comes with the symptoms, when a pregnancy gets stuck in the wrong place.
The pain that comes in the days after.
After the surgery.
After the loss of your baby, the loss of your ovary or salpinx.
The emotional pain that visits you when you’re back home, trying to recover.
The anger. The tears.
The loss of meaning, and the fake smiles and “I’m fine” responses you give to people when you’re back at work.
The depression.
The days that you wake up empty of life, days you wish you were dead, like your would-be child.
The sleepless nights, wondering what your fault was, thinking and rethinking about every hCG test and every scan, what doctors said, and how you responded to them – the hopes and the no’s, realisations that hit you hard at midnight.
And all those what if scenarios, that will always remain unknown.
Am I ever going to be a mother?
Am I going to die next time I fall pregnant?
Am I still able to have a child?
All these uncertainties.
The statistics – all the statistics you’ve read, and all those you will read in the future, hoping for a silver lining.
“You are still alive, so maybe better luck next time,” they tell you.
Oh, you’d never thought you’d be able to carry so much pain and hope inside you.
You’d never thought your body could set you up on such a blind date with Death, when you believed you were going to bring new life.
The irony of the whole thing – the extra weight you now carry on your waist and thighs. Five, ten, or more kilos of loss.
But still, despite almost meeting Death, you are alive – so that’s not the end.
And somehow, despite the fears and the tears and the bleak days you still have, life slowly and silently finds its way back.
– Eleni
Thank you to Eleni for sharing her letter for Ectopic Pregnancy Awareness Day. If you would like to share your experience of ectopic pregnancy, please visit our guide for more information.
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